Category: Observations

Categories
Nonfiction Observations

Expectation.

He was scowling all morning, so I decided it was worth a try.

“Hi.” I leaned in. “What is orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Still scowling, the jail officer working in the psychiatric unit glanced at me, then tapped his thumb a few times on the desk.

“I dunno. What?” he mumbled. At least he was willing to play.

“A carrot.”

It happened in less than a second: His face softened, he rolled his eyes, and then the groan became a chuckle.

“A carrot! That’s so stupid!” The wrinkles around his eyes danced as he smiled.

Success!

The inmate was pacing the length of the block. The uniform was too large for his slender frame. Though the cut was uneven, his hair was shiny and thick. Further evidence of his youth included his smooth and unmarked skin.

The jail officer, grinning, walked towards the inmate.

“Hey, Doe,” he started, his voice smug, “what is orange and sounds like a parrot?”

The inmate stopped walking, but made no eye contact with the officer. The officer looked at him with expectation and condescension.

“A carrot,” the inmate replied, as if the officer had asked him the time. He immediately resumed walking.

Crestfallen, the officer frowned. “Even he knew that one?”

I turned around so the officer couldn’t see me smile.

Categories
Nonfiction Observations Reflection

Patients in a Resuscitation Room.

I didn’t post anything here last week because my dad, while walking, was hit by a car. (He is feeling better, thank you.)

When I arrived, my father occupied one of four beds in a resuscitation room. The other three beds were empty. It was still early in the morning and there were few people in the emergency department.

As the day wore on, other patients were wheeled into and out of the room. A pale yellow curtain with a floral motif enclosed the space around each patient. The patients and their visitors caught glimpses of each other whenever the ED staff pulled the curtains open.

While curtains provide visual privacy, they are not soundproof.

An inmate from the local jail came in with chest pain. He shared his entire medical history with his accompanying jail officer. After listening to the inmate’s monologue for about five minutes, the officer interjected, “I’m going to watch this TV show now.” The inmate, along with the rest of us, listened to what sounded like an action movie. The inmate sounded more disappointed than relieved when he learned that he did not need to stay in the hospital. He went back to jail.

A mother and father came in for reasons I never learned. Their young toddler with enormous eyes grasped the pale yellow curtain in her tiny fists as she explored both sides of the boundary. Their infant stopped wailing when the mother sang, her voice full and calm. When the family left, they took the laughter with them.

A woman with dark pink hair was wheeled in. Another car hit her while she was driving. Her voice was light and melodic as she expressed profuse thanks to the medics. Her voice cracked as she spoke to a friend on the phone: Was she ever going to get a break? Why did her friend hit her with the car? Why was this the third time in her life she was in a car crash? What if she never got sensation back in her leg? Why did she have so much bad luck? After she hung up the phone, she wept. She took her frustration out on the nurse. No one was at her bedside.

A slender man was wheeled in. He, too, was in a car crash. His answers to questions were short and quiet. The sadness on his face could have been new, though the wrinkles around his lips and eyes hinted that maybe he wore a sad face most days. He stared up at the ceiling. No one visited him.

My mother came into the room, too. My father recalled when he was last in an emergency department: His wife was short of breath and feeling exhausted. He remembered the week she spent in the hospital, all the questions, poking, and testing she had to endure, and how much she hated it.

“Now I understand why she didn’t like the hospital,” he murmured. The edge of the pale yellow curtain shifted, though no one was there.

Categories
Consult-Liaison Observations

Status Game Strategy.

How do you introduce yourself when you greet people, particularly those you don’t know?

Yes, your answer might depend on who you’re meeting. But what’s your general approach?

I try to emanate warmth: I make eye contact and smile. I do what I think will make the person feel comfortable. I listen and try to speak less than the other person… unless it becomes clear that the other person wants to listen more and speak less, too.

This strategy has worked for me: It helps me form and maintain relationships. This approach has produced few, if any, negative consequences.

Some people use a different strategy when they interact with others: They assert their superiority. They say things like they have “one of the great memories of all time” and “I went to an Ivy League college… I’m a very intelligent person.”

The other way to assert superiority is to denigrate others, such as commenting that others are “weak”, “lightweight”, and “fake”.

This, of course, is a status game. Who has higher status? Who should have higher status? And if I should always have higher status, how can I make sure that everyone around me recognizes that?

Sometimes people use this status game strategy because it’s the only way they know how to interact with other people.

Maybe they learned long ago that the people in their life only paid attention to them when they said something that asserted their high status. People only took interest in them when they said things like, “I’m a very rich person.” The attention of others makes them feel worthy, seen, and valued. It’s nice to have a lot of money, but some people crave a wealth of attention.

Asserting high status, though, becomes a vicious, reinforcing cycle. After a while, people won’t care when they hear things like “I’m a very rich person”. They’ve heard that before and won’t react the way they once did. So it escalates: Soon, these individuals have the best memory, the highest IQ, and the best words.

Even though these statements are false—and verifiably false!—it doesn’t matter. Remember that outrage and indignation are still forms of attention. And some people are never satisfied with the amount of attention they receive.

This status game strategy works for some people: It helps them form and maintain relationships. For whatever reason, it has produced few, if any, negative consequences.

There are other ways, of course, to interact with people. However, it takes time and practice to do something different. Why change what you’re doing if it’s worked for you for so many years?

People who behave this way don’t need our pity. Pity doesn’t help anyone. One wonders, though, what happened to them in the past. Despite being over 70 years of age, they still don’t know how to interact with people without elevating themselves or putting others down.

Categories
Homelessness Lessons Nonfiction Observations Reflection

What Would It Be Like to Say Hello?

My first memory of encountering a person who appeared to have no place to live was during my first year of college at UCLA. A man was sitting outside a mini-mart, his legs crossed and his hair long. He looked tired and his clothes had stains on them. Feeling pity for him, I went into the mini-mart and purchased a turkey sandwich on wheat.

“Here,” I said as I handed him the sandwich. I beamed with Warm Fuzzies for Doing a Good Deed. “Take this.”

Because I expected him to thank me for My Act of Generosity, I was dumbfounded when he started yelling at me with contempt: “A sandwich? I don’t want that sandwich. I don’t like turkey and I have an allergy to gluten. If you really wanted to help me, you’d buy me a meal at an all-you-can-eat place. What am I going to do after I eat a sandwich? I’ll still be hungry. At least I can get another plate of food at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.”

“Okay,” I said, my cheeks burning with shame. He had a point: All hungry people prefer all-you-can-eat food to what now looked like a pathetic turkey sandwich. I took the rejected sandwich back to my dorm room.

My dining companion and I were seated at a long table that looked out a large window. Across the street was a man who we often saw in the downtown shopping district. He often carried a unrolled sleeping bag on his shoulder while talking and growling to himself. His clothes were soiled and too big for him. The soles of his shoes were falling apart. He didn’t have a beard, only uneven facial stubble. His eyes were light and his face was dark from smears, smudges, dirt, and dust.

“He doesn’t look well,” I said to my dining companion. The man was sitting on his rumpled sleeping bag on the sidewalk while engaged in an animated conversation… with no one. Sometimes he leaned back against the side of the building and puffed on a cigarette.

“I wonder when he last ate,” I wondered aloud.

“Why don’t you buy him something to eat?”

“Because he might not want that. Some people feel shame when people just give them food. They don’t like that other people think that they don’t have enough money to buy food for themselves. And I don’t even know what kind of food he wants. When we’re done eating, let’s go over there and ask him.”

As we approached him, his posture was relaxed and he was about halfway through his cigarette. His clumpy hair was falling into his eyes and everything he was wearing was soiled. He was engrossed in a conversation, occasionally making a point with his right hand.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

He continued talking.

“Excuse me?”

He stopped talking, turned his head, and looked at me. He remained still as the swirls of smoke from his cigarette defied gravity with ease.

“Hi. Do you want some food?”

Another tendril of smoke dissolved into the night before he answered: He shook his head no.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded yes.

I smiled and waved good-bye. I heard him resume his conversation as we walked away.

In retrospect, I should have introduced myself and asked him for his name. And I wonder if, next time, he will be hungry and accept an offer of food.

Sometimes we believe people are so different from us. How could there be anything similar between that guy talking to himself and sleeping on the street and me? What do I have in common with that guy wearing dirty clothes and carrying a sleeping bag around?

Well, we all share the wish to be treated with dignity. We want people to acknowledge us, our presence, our existence. We want people to see us as equals, not less than. We want people to show us respect, to see us as people who have worth.

Maybe you see someone in your daily commute who sleeps outside or doesn’t seem to have any money. Maybe it’s someone who sits against a wall with a sign asking for help.

What would it be like if you said hello that person? Or made eye contact with that person and smiled? What would it be like to acknowledge that person as a person? What’s gotten in the way of you doing that in the past? What is the worst thing that could happen if you tried that? What’s the likelihood that your worst fear in this situation would come true?

What would it be like if we said hello to everyone in our communities? Because aren’t these individuals who sleep outside and talk to themselves part of our communities?

Categories
Observations Policy Reflection Systems

Pondering the Purpose of Policies.

What’s your policy on wearing pants?

We all have a personal policy about pants. My policy is that I shall wear pants on all days unless (a) I am attending a special event where a dress or skirt is indicated or (b) it is a hot day and I must wear something professional, so a dress or skirt is the cooler option.

Hang in there with me. This isn’t actually about pants.

I’ve been chewing on the purpose of policies. Much of my work life is dedicated to the creation and amending of policies for a system.

It makes me feel disappointed to see that policies often cater to the lowest common denominator. They seem to solely focus on preventing undesired behaviors and outcomes. It’s almost as if policies are written for those people or organizations, whether they exist or not, with the worst intentions.

Policies aren’t inspiring. They don’t talk about what could be or what we should strive for. This might be why we find policies tedious to read.

A colleague pointed out that, yes, policies are for the lowest common denominator because people often have the worst intentions.

“Think about the Ten Commandments,” she said. “Like ‘Thou shalt not kill’ and ‘Thou shalt not steal’ and ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’. Those are really basic things, but we need them. Those are policies to help us get along.”

Indeed, those religious prohibitions are not inspiring. What if we rephrased them? What if we said “Thou shalt honor life” instead of “Thou shalt not kill”? Doesn’t the idea of honoring life inspire more creativity and joy than a fearful instruction to not kill?

I think my colleague would reply that people need explicit directions. A exhortation to honor life does not guarantee that people will stop killing.

In his book Practical Wisdom, Barry Schwartz laments how policies can affect our abilities to do the right thing the right way. If we rely on policies, we ignore the nuances of the situation and stop thinking. When we stop thinking, we lose our wisdom. We end up looking to policies to prevent the worst thing from happening. The prevention of the worst thing, however, does not equal the creation of something better.

Call me naive—you won’t be the first—but I believe that, for most people, they meet the expectations you have of them. If you have high expectations, people will often meet them. (To be clear, there is a balance: Most expectations must be realistic. If they aren’t, people become demoralized.) It’s meaningful to people when they realize that someone believes in them when they may not believe in themselves. High expectations are frequently a form of respect.

(Perhaps I am straying. A significant difference between individual expectations and policies is the relationship. Relationships between people rely on invisible things like trust, hope, and respect. Relationships between organizations rely on visible things like contracts, memoranda, and policies. We often don’t feel like we have total control over what we do as individuals. How can an organization, comprised of potentially hundreds of people, control its behaviors to meet the expectations of another organization without those invisible connections?)

Someone on Twitter recently commented that policies should reflect the morals of the organization. I like that. If policies focus on documentation requirements and payment arrangements, but say nothing about the quality of services, what does that say about the organization? Does a mission statement have any meaning if the policies and procedures do not align with the stated mission? If the policies only comment on how to prevent the worst thing from happening, why would anyone expect extraordinary quality from the organization?

Perhaps I need to reframe, for myself, the purpose of policies. Policies help prevent bad things from happening. That’s good. Prevention is underappreciated: It’s difficult to measure things that didn’t happen. The difficulty in showing that less bad things happened, however, doesn’t mean that the activity of prevention is worthless.

It’s not an “either/or” issue. Policies prevent bad things from happening, which is valuable. But, as I noted above, preventing bad things and creating better things are two different activities. We don’t want to focus our energy on just preventing bad things from occurring. We must also create new things, or we otherwise will not progress.

The primary reason for my personal pants policy is comfort, though there are professional implications, too. Much of my work in the past involved talking to people in atypical places: Sometimes I’d have to step over puddles of mud to talk to the man living in the park; sometimes I’d have to slip between towers of yellowed magazines to reach the elderly woman seated on her bed. These days, wearing pants makes it less likely that male inmates will make unwelcome comments about my legs. Pants prevent bad things from happening to me.

My other clothing policy is to wear bright colors or patterns to work. People—colleagues, patients, strangers—often comment on the shirts I wear, frequently while smiling. That helps build rapport and connections, even if they are initially based on something as superficial as polka dots on a shirt. These relationships, though, often help create better things and situations for us all.