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Consult-Liaison Education Medicine Nonfiction Reflection Systems

Reflections While Writing About Psychiatry

I know I haven’t posted in a while. Someone presented me with the opportunity to write a section on psychiatry for medical students. This is wonderful (an opportunity to influence future physicians!!!) and terrible (GAAAAH there’s so much in psychiatry!!!). Between thinking about psychiatry at multiple levels at work and thinking about the foundations of psychiatry while writing the section, I’ve felt cognitively impaired when thinking about what I should write here.

But the thinking never stops… and here are some reflections I’ve had over the past two months while writing:

The differences between what physicians and patients want. Many medical students choose medicine because of the opportunity to help people in a very real way: In helping people improve their health, physicians help people experience a better quality of life. This is rewarding for both patient and physician. Right?

As physicians go through training, they learn the heartbreaking lesson, often repeatedly, that it’s not that simple.

Sometimes people want physicians to help them in ways that physicians can’t or won’t. Some people want medicine that will make the cancer go away and never come back. Other people want pain medicine or sedatives for short-term relief, though the long-term consequences are problematic and potentially devastating.

Other times, people reject the best help that physicians offer. Some people will not take insulin, even though it will prevent prevent worse outcomes from diabetes. Other people don’t want to see any physicians, even though medical interventions for their conditions are simple and effective.

Many medical students assume that patients will only be grateful for and accepting of the help physicians offer. That assumption is wrong.

But this is part of the “art” of medicine, right? How do physicians and other medical professionals help people when we don’t have an intervention that “works”? How do we help people who don’t want the help that we know “works”?[1. There are, of course, strategies we learn as psychiatrists to address how to help people who don’t want the help physicians offer. The problem is that the issue then gets cast as a “psychiatric problem”, when it, in fact, is a “human relations problem”. Psychiatrists often feel frustrated when some physicians either want us to have the doctor-patient relationship in their stead or, worse, when some physicians assume that a Disagreeing Patient is a Mentally Ill Patient.]

The psychiatric conditions that psychiatrists don’t encounter. I’ve worked in a variety of settings—in clinics, hospitals, a crisis center, a jail, homeless shelters, housing, and on the street—and, despite all that exposure, I have never met with someone with a diagnosis of somatic symptom disorder or factitious disorder. While both conditions are rare, my colleagues in primary care and emergency departments see people with these conditions more frequently. Those same people don’t want to see a psychiatrist.

When we think about systems that take care of patients, sometimes we need to remember that the patient isn’t always the actual patient. Sometimes the best way psychiatrists can help these patients is to help the physicians who actually see them. If we wipe our hands and say, “Well, they won’t see me, so that’s not my problem,” what are we doing? If there are barriers in the system that prevent us from helping our colleagues, how can we work together to remove them to increase the likelihood we can help them?[2. This is an argument for “integrated care”, which refers to the integration of physical and behavioral health services. Unfortunately, how these services are paid for often creates barriers… which is exactly why we need more physicians involved in advocacy and leadership.]

Conversations on what is “wrong” instead of the experience of being ill. While in training, physicians learn how to diagnose and treat conditions based on what is “wrong”. We learn the characteristics of the condition, its underlying causes, and the treatments that often correct it. However, we don’t spend a lot of time learning just how much the condition afflicts people.

To be fair, there is so much to learn in medical school and beyond. Furthermore, physicians, as a population, like to solve problems. This temperament was likely present in all of us even before we went to medical school. If talking and listening won’t actually fix the problem, but doing Something actually will, why don’t we just do the Something and get on with it?

Because of this focus on Fixing the Problem, some people assume we are uncaring. That assumption is often wrong, too.

There are also other forces at work: Physicians often don’t have as much time with patients as they would like to listen, provide education, and offer encouragement. Those are Receptive skills and, while complementary to, are often not as glamorous (or billable) as Problem-Solving skills. All of us—in health care or otherwise—often forget that healing occurs with both Receptive and Problem-Solving skills.

I’m grateful for many reasons to have this opportunity to write for medical students. A major reason is the chance to explicitly go back to the basics. Examining the foundation reminds me why I chose to go into psychiatry in the first place, highlights (again) just how much I don’t know, and challenges me to consider what is actually important in my clinical work. And let me tell you, knowing the doses of various medications is not actually important. That’s stuff you can look up. As Dr. Edward Trudeau said, what is actually important is “to comfort always”.[3. The full aphorism attributed to Dr. Trudeau is “To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always.”]


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Medicine Nonfiction Reflection

Compassion?

I met him about a month before the election. He was confused. He spoke only about three things:

(1) his best friend, with love and affection
(2) his culinary skills, with pride and wistfulness
(3) Donald Trump, with exasperation and anger

“When’s the last time you and I spoke?” I asked.

“Uh, I don’t know… maybe a few days ago?” he guessed.

I had stepped away for only ten minutes.

In the weeks leading up to the election, I introduced myself each time. Each time he said that we had talked “just a few days ago”. At the end of each conversation, he extended his hand and said, “It was so nice to meet you!”

After repeating the ingredients of his prize-winning chile cocoa tacos (“cocoa powder! cumin! cinammon!”), he lurched into politics.

“Donald Trump! We can’t have Donald Trump! He’s not a good man. I won’t be voting for Trump! Not a good man. Not a good man.”

Perseveration, check.

Sometimes he would lurch back into prize-winning chile cocoa tacos; sometimes he would express his appreciation for his best friend (“I just want to see him again… when am I going to see him again?”). Sometimes he would look at me, pause, and then start talking about Bruce Lee.[1. I can’t tell you how many times people with psychotic or cognitive disorders look at me and then start talking about Bruce Lee. Sometimes they tell me I look like Bruce Lee’s sister. (I don’t look like him.) Sometimes they ask me if I know kung fu like Bruce Lee. Sometimes they speak highly of his films.]

Days after the newspapers splashed the results of Presidential election all over their front pages, we met again.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Yang.”

“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing okay. How are you?”

“Donald Trump is ahead, can you believe it? I thought Hillary would be ahead by a lot, but Trump is ahead! Can you believe it?”

“Do you know who won the election?”

“It’s not over yet, they’re not done counting the votes. But Trump is ahead! I can’t believe it! I thought Hillary would be ahead by a lot—”

“Is the election over?”

“No, it’s not over yet, they’re not done counting the votes. But Trump is ahead. Can you believe it? Hillary still has a chance—”

“When is the election supposed to be over?”

“I don’t know, but Trump is ahead! Can you believe it? ”

One of the best things you can do for someone with memory problems is tell them information about “now”. Remind him what the date is. Tell him what time of day it is. Point out the seasons, talk about the city he’s in. Tell him who the President-elect is.

I looked at him as he continued to talk about the election. He still had hope.

I inhaled, smiled, and interjected, “So, you used to be a cook, right?”

“What? Oh, yes! I won a prize for chile cocoa tacos….”


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Lessons Medicine Reflection

On the Importance of Hobbies.

During medical school, professors advised us to “have hobbies” and to “do stuff outside of medicine”:

  • “It’ll give you have something to talk about with patients.”
  • “It’ll help you maintain balance as you go through your training.”
  • “It’s important for self-care.”

Medical students, as a population, tend to be compulsive and there’s always more to read and learn. (Medicine, like many fields, entails lifelong learning, even when you are tired of lifelong learning.) It’s easy to drop other activities and study all the time.

As I’ve aged, my understanding of their advice has changed.[1. Even before I chose to enter the field of psychiatry, I was skeptical of the reason that hobbies “will give you something to talk about with patients”. While I believe that physicians should present as human beings at work, patients also don’t visit doctors to talk about shared hobbies. There are plenty of other shared topics to talk about, such as the weather, regional sports, etc. As physicians have limited time with patients, it seems self-indulgent to talk about MY hobbies when my role is to help the patient. Some may argue that my stance results in too rigid of a boundary, though I don’t think patients want to learn about our hobbies during medical visits. That’s what social media is for, right?]

When I’m not at work, no one calls me “Doctor”. I have hobbies, sure, but not solely to provide balance to my work in medicine. Working as a physician is an important part of my identity, but it’s not my entire identity.

And that’s where the value of hobbies come in. Physicians spend a lot of time in school and at work. Our jobs can easily become our entire identities. So if we have a bad day at work—maybe because we saw more people than usual with severe illnesses; maybe because we learned that one of our patients died; maybe because we’re frustrated with all the things we have to do that seem unrelated to actually taking care of people—we can feel terrible if that’s the sole lens in which we view our lives.

If I view myself only as a physician, then a crappy day at work means I will be in a foul mood for the rest of the day. And the only thing that will change that is a “better” day at work.

The importance of having hobbies is to experience growth and success outside of medicine. Maybe a patient said terrible things to me today, but I made a delicious soup from scratch. Maybe one of my patients died, but I was able to write about the loss in a meaningful way. Maybe the system isn’t broken; maybe it was built this way… but I finished a half marathon without stopping to walk.

Similarly, maybe my coconut-and-vegetable rice dish didn’t come out quite right, but one of my patients who has been psychotic is getting better. Maybe my hamstring is strained from running long distances, but I was able to help a nurse practitioner improve his clinical skills. Maybe blog posts I am proud of don’t seem to impress anyone else, but I was able to help nudge a policy to help improve patient care for a particular population.

Those are binary pairings, but it works across multiple spheres. I finished a book about a murder AND one of my patients isn’t getting better AND that new soup recipe turned out better than I thought it would. Life has its successes and failures. If we’re able to look back on the day and the sum of events is greater than zero, we are lucky.

So, for any medical students who are reading this, yes, make an effort to cultivate hobbies. Yes, hobbies make you a well-rounded person. More importantly, though, when you practice cultivating your hobbies now, you’ll be better at both the cultivating and the hobbies themselves when you’re a resident and an attending. You will have terrible days while you’re in training and when you’re working. You have a front seat in the theatre of human drama. These other hobbies will help you remember that you are a multifaceted person, that you are not your job.

And while you may take pride in being a physician, the reality is that you will not practice as a physician forever. You will one day retire from the practice of medicine. And, indeed, this will all end one day and you will die. While people may remember you in your role as a physician, people may remember you even more for your talents in cooking, your boundless knowledge about sports, the curious pieces of art your crafted, and your perspectives as a person who happened to work as a physician.


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Nonfiction Observations

Pity.

Few people are walking the streets at 5am. Some are rolling old suitcases or holding overstuffed bags as they wander away from the shelter. Their eyes are often downcast. Sometimes they shout obscenities at no one and everyone; no one responds.

People who drive the produce trucks haul crates of fruits and vegetables into cafes. There’s a heap of oranges in the middle of the sidewalk. The driver will pick up all the oranges when he gets back.

The fragrance of organic, fair trade coffee mingles with aromas of pastries made with genetically modified flour, eggs from caged chickens, and sugar from saccharine grasses sprayed with pesticide.

The guys waiting to start their construction work are loitering by the loading dock. A man in a yellow reflective vest inhales and the end of his cigarette glows orange. His hair is the same color as the plume wafting from his lips.

She’s not wearing any shoes and the soles of her feet are nearly black. Her heather grey sweatshirt is covered with stains and there is a tear in the left shoulder. She’s not wearing a bra. Her torn jeans stop above her ankles and the button is missing from the fly. There are tangles in her light brown hair.

She walks on her toes towards the man in the reflective vest, then turns away. She shrugs her slender shoulders, the sweater falling further down her arm. She walks back towards him, this time on her heels, while making waves out of her arms. After stopping, she tilts her head from side to side, then stands on one leg.

He watches her. His eyes show interest, his face shows boredom.

He pulls the cigarette from his lips.

“You want this?” he asks, holding the cigarette out.

She nods. She stands on her other leg.

“Take it,” he responds. The breeze pushes wisps of nicotine smoke towards her.

He doesn’t move. After gazing at the cigarette for a few moments, she hops forward and plucks it from his fingers. In one smooth motion, she takes a drag from the cigarette and then flicks the ashes away.

She walks away, quickly, quietly, her left arm extended. He watches her until she disappears around the corner.

Categories
Education Medicine Nonfiction Observations Systems

A Day in Jail.

Three of us are waiting for the elevator. A few moments earlier I had walked into the jail for the day, so I have not yet donned a white coat. The other two are wearing their standard uniforms: The inmate is in red and the officer is in black.

“I have to take my seizure medicine while I’m here, you remember, right?” the inmate says, clutching a clear bag holding several pill bottles, a pair of jeans, and a dark jacket.

“Yes,” the officer says, her voice warm and firm at the same time. “You told the nurse, right?”

“I always do, ma’am.” A shy smile crosses his face. She smiles back at him as the elevator doors open. She motions for him to enter first.


The hem of the white coat hits the back of my calves as I climb the stairs. My habits from my intern year remain: I still fold papers in half lengthwise and the first stack will go into the left pocket. I never button my coat.

When I reach the top of the staircase, one of the standing inmates glances at me, then returns his gaze to the inmate seated in front of him. The standing inmate looks like he’s in his 20s. The seated inmate might be in his late 30s. Twenty-something guides the electric razor along the contour of Thirty-something’s head; clumps of light brown hair tumble onto the black cape and the concrete floor.

There are two barbers on duty. They volunteered their services; they will probably get extra food as compensation. The men in the chairs bow their heads, their eyes open, their bodies still. No one says anything.

Everyone gets the same haircut.


The floor officer is worried about an inmate: “He didn’t eat breakfast this morning and wouldn’t come out to take a shower.” While I scribble this information down on my paper folded lengthwise, I hear the deck officer raise his voice.

“What are you looking at?” the deck officer barks at two inmates. They are trustees, which means that they have demonstrated good behavior while in jail and are allowed to participate in chores. In exchange for doing tasks such as preparing meals and cleaning floors (which also gets them out of their units), they can receive more food .

A trustee mumbles something in response.

“I asked you, what are you looking at?” the deck officer barks again.

“Nothing, sir.”

“Okay. If I see you looking at ‘nothing’ again, I’m sending you back. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Get back to work.”

The floor officer and I ask the deck officer what happened.

“They saw you,” he says, pointing at me, “and started grinning, elbowing each other, all that stuff.”

While wrapping my coat tighter around me, I glance at the two trustees. One of them happens to look at me at the same time; he turns away and takes a sudden interest in the mop in his hands.

“Thank you, Officer.”

“Just looking out for the doctor.”


It’s been a few years since I’ve talked to God.

Perhaps I meet God more frequently, but s/he chooses not to reveal that to me. More often I talk to angels or the Anti-Christ.

“Psychiatry is sorcery,” God tells me. “If you only had more faith, you would see the error in your ways. Turn towards faith and away from your analytical ways of thinking.”

God is charged with criminal trespass. God is a young man. His bail amount isn’t that high. Is there no one in God’s life who could post his bail so he could get out?

“One of the best things about being God,” he tells me, “is that I can see the true intentions of people. I know their thoughts.”

He pauses and looks at me.

“Although you practice witchcraft, I can tell that you’ve got a good heart. I will pray for you that you will have more faith, that you will believe in me.”

I will pray for you, too.


When I’m finished talking with God, the floor officer comes by and gives God a second lunch.

“Thank you! I bless you!” he calls out.

The brown paper sack contains one sandwich (two slices of wheat bread, one slice of bologna), one mayonnaise packet, one slice of American cheese wrapped in plastic, a small baggie of baby carrot sticks, and one apple the size of a tennis ball.

“He’s still growing,” the floor officer murmurs.


The day has ended. I’ve already stuffed my white coat into a laundry bag, but I’m still making my way through all the doors to physically get out of jail. When I exit the elevators near where inmates are booked into jail, I see an officer wincing and grasping his leg. One medic is kneeling by him; the other is on the phone.

I pass by a bank of holding cells. Two women knock on the wall and beckon me towards them. The one with tattoos all over her young face and anxiety in her eyes asks, “Can you tell them to let us out? We’ve been waiting a long time.”

“An officer looks hurt,” I say, raising my voice. We’re talking through a thick pane of plexiglass. “The medics are here. It might be a while before they will get to you.”

“Oh,” she says. They take a step back and their shoulders slump. “I hope they’re okay. Thanks.”


Most people look either relieved or thrilled when they leave jail. They throw their shoulders back as they cross the threshold from the jail lobby into the fresh air. How much more comfortable they appear in their own clothes! The red uniforms incarcerated them just as much as the concrete block. Sometimes they give each other high fives; their voices are light and bright as they tell each other to take it easy.

A few will look up and around, confused and forlorn. They squint at the numbers at the bus stop. After taking a few steps heading south, they pause, turn around, and head north. They finally decide to cross the street to get away from the jail. It seems like the best idea.