Category: Lessons

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Education Lessons Nonfiction Reflection

Uncomfortable Thrill.

When I walked through glassware sections of stores as a child, my body buzzed with distress and delight. There were only two ways to ease this anxious discomfort:

  1. Fling my arms out and knock over all the glass to see, hear, and feel the pieces shatter; or
  2. Keep my arms tightly by my side and ensure that nothing above the soles of my shoes touched any objects in the store.

I always chose the second option. The urge to fling my arms out to knock over crystal and glassware has diminished with time. If I’m honest, though, the uncomfortable thrill persists.

That same uncomfortable thrill pulsed through me when the loaded guns rested in my hand.

It didn’t matter that I received a private didactic (with a white board![1. The white board didactic included four rules: (1) All guns are always loaded. (2) Keep finger off trigger until ready to fire. (3) Be aware of target and what’s behind it. (4) Don’t point at anything you’re not willing to destroy.]) about gun safety from someone I know and trust (who also happens to work as an emergency physician). It didn’t matter that we were at a pistol range where safety was paramount. It didn’t matter that I had close supervision for my first experience in shooting firearms.

The paper target revealed that my initial shots were the most accurate; the subsequent shots often drifted farther and farther from the target. Maybe my hands and arms suffered from fatigue. Maybe my uneven breathing made my body needlessly tense. Maybe my safety glasses got too foggy from perspiration.

Maybe it was the National Geographic article about a young woman’s face transplant due to a self-inflicted rifle wound that I had read just the day prior. Maybe it was the imagery of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy and the later murder of Lee Harvey Oswald that I saw at The Sixth Floor Museum.

Maybe all the stories I remembered from my work as a psychiatrist freaked me out.

Maybe it was all the stories I never heard or have yet to hear.

It happens so fast: Finger is off the trigger. Finger then rests on the trigger. Finger flexes.

BANG!

The bullet is gone. My body lurches with the recoil. The bullet casing bounces off my shoe. I only see the puff of pewter smoke when I lower my arms.

  • How much time passed between the time she loaded the gun and when she fired it at her chest?
  • Did she hesitate before she put her finger on the trigger?
  • How many times did he try to pull the trigger before putting the gun down?
  • Did he ever put his finger on the trigger before he pulled the barrel of the gun out of his mouth?
  • Did she ever touch a gun before the day she tried to kill herself with one?
  • Did he imagine what the BANG would sound like within his skull?

The power of the weapons spooked me.

My hands weren’t shaking, but my fingers could not push the 9mm bullets into the magazine. My hands felt weak.

More than once I walked away, pulled the safety glasses off my face, wiped the sheen of sweat off my forehead with my forearm, and then jumped up and down several times.

I never felt any urge to turn the guns on myself, though the uncomfortable thrill reminded me that I could. Others who are unable or unwilling to resist that uncomfortable thrill could indulge that urge, whether against themselves (more common) or against others (much less common). The uncomfortable thrill may not feel so uncomfortable when one is intoxicated. Or angry. Or hopeless.

It could happen so fast.

Yet, I quickly recognized the appeal behind shooting. Guns are tools. The anatomy and mechanics of firearms are interesting. Learning how to aim and hit targets with high accuracy is satisfying and rewarding. Achieving mastery over such powerful tools is thrilling.

I am grateful that I had the opportunity to learn how to shoot pistols. It was fun, though I must confess that it was not as fun as I had anticipated. Thoughts of death and injury from suicide rarely left my mind, which added elements of stress and sadness. Jumping up and down and taking deep breaths could only do so much.

The power of guns freaked me out. It was only the next day that my body finally stopped buzzing with distress and delight.

Categories
Lessons Medicine Nonfiction Reflection

On Gratitude.

Expressers significantly underestimated how surprised recipients would be about why expressers were grateful, overestimated how awkward recipients would feel, and underestimated how positive recipients would feel.” – Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation

The past 30 days have been unusual because of the number of professional gestures of gratitude I’ve received:

  • I received a clinical faculty award from psychiatry residents for my teaching efforts.
  • An hospital administrator contacted me in my professional capacity; she later revealed that she was a former patient of mine and thanked me for our time together.
  • A former patient contacted me to let me know that she is about to start law school, something she did not think she could ever do. She attributed her change in perspective to our time together.

These gestures are deeply meaningful to me. At a time when arguments, conflict, and discord seem to dominate our collective consciousness, how refreshing it feels to receive thanks!

As I do not work in an academic medical center, I never expected to receive a teaching award. While I do some teaching for the residency, I have limited exposure to the trainees. That the residents even thought of my name for the ballot is meaningful. In my professional role, I have the privilege of teaching topics related to psychiatry to a variety of audiences—community members, attorneys, judges, case managers, nurses, social workers. Praise from students, though, is of greater value to me than praise from judges and others who have similar social status. As one of my more precocious medical students once commented, “I should know what a good teacher is, since I’m a medical student and many people teach me….” It makes me grateful for the teachers[1. I believe that literally everyone you encounter in life is a teacher. Sometimes you don’t want to learn what they have to teach you, but that doesn’t dilute the value of the lesson. And sometimes the best teachers in our lives aren’t identified as “teachers”.] in my life who have helped me develop my teaching skills.

Similarly, it is always a delight to receive thank you notes from past patients. Even though I often cannot remember the names of people who were under my care in the past, I recall how many of them taught me how to improve my skills in listening, using plain language, and applying interventions—medications or otherwise—to improve their health. I also recall the shame, fear, and suffering that they shared with me… and how, sometimes, I screwed up and gave them reasons to distrust me in the future. Sometimes I did better. Sometimes I think I did better when, in fact, I did not.

My boss (who is not a physician) recently gave me some feedback: “Maria, you’re hard to read. I usually can’t tell how you’re reacting to something.”

I laughed. “You’re not the first person to tell me that,” I said before continuing, “Like, when I was a fellow in New York, I had supervision with an attending (a physician) and, for whatever reason, I burst into tears because I was upset. To his credit, he didn’t freak out. He, a native New Yorker, sat with me and commented in that direct way that New Yorkers are known to do, ‘I had no idea you were so upset. You should know that you don’t show any signs that you’re upset.'”

After my mom died, I have put more effort in expressing my emotions. (To be fair, though, most of the expressing happens in words, not in my face.) Most of these expressions are of affection and gratitude. It sounds dramatic, though it is true: We never know when people will leave our lives, whether from death or other reasons. As noted in the opening citation, we might not think that what we say has much impact on others. However, expressions of affection and gratitude, at least, cause no harm and, at best, are emotional gifts that strengthen social bonds and foster harmony.

There is value in expressing displeasure, too. Sometimes people need to know that we’re upset, that we feel distress with current circumstances. Though it might make us uncomfortable, expressions of displeasure can ultimately strengthen social bonds and foster harmony. Sometimes we must travel the difficult path, even if it means that we will travel alone for a bit.

I am not old, but I am also not young. I am grateful to have the opportunity to work as a psychiatrist and to teach others the little that I do know. I am grateful that you, dear reader, have made it to the end of this post. Thank you.

Categories
Consult-Liaison Lessons Medicine Nonfiction Reflection

On Suicide.

I still feel a little anxiety whenever I ask someone about suicide.

I have no fear when asking The Question—“Have you been thinking about killing yourself?”—but sometimes I find that I’m not breathing while I await the answer.

What if this person says “yes”?

This anxiety persists even though it’s literally part of my job to ask this question. Despite having asked this question thousands of times, I still feel a twinge of unease whenever it is time to ask. I still feel nervous even though people have answered “yes” when I’ve asked The Question. I still wonder if my interventions will be effective despite knowing that I have helped people choose to live.

I still have to remind myself that it is a blessing if someone tells me, “Yes, I’ve been thinking about killing myself.” It means this person trusts me enough to share this information with me. It means this person has faith that I’m not going to freak out. It means that we can talk about death, what it means to this person, and why suicide seems like the best option. It means that there is hope that the conversation will lead to a discussion of other viable options.

It means that, in this moment, this person is willing to live.

During my training, I had several teachers who would offer gentle correction to people who said, “I feel suicidal.”

“‘Suicidal’ is a thought, not a feeling,” they would offer. “What are the emotions that are leading you to think about suicide?”

That snippet looks condescending and contrived on the screen. When said with skill, it steers the conversation to areas that can lead to change.

It is hard, if not impossible, to change emotions with willpower alone. Consider all the unseen things that can shift your emotions:

  • a fragrance that resurrects a memory from your youth
  • the sound of stranger’s voice that reminds you of another person
  • the feeling of the sun on your skin after a dark winter

Emotions are powerful. They can promote certain thoughts or drive certain behaviors. Sometimes emotions feel so overwhelming that, to cope, we have thoughts that death is the best option.

“Do you want to die? Or do you want to feel different?”

Whenever I learn that someone has died from suicide, I recall five specific people. Three of them tried to kill themselves while under my ongoing care:

  • one arrived in the clinic with long, bleeding lacerations on the both arms
  • one had spent hours on top of a tall structure, debating whether to jump off
  • one missed an appointment and I somehow knew that something had happened; this person used a friend’s gun and shot a bullet through the chest

Two of them did kill themselves:

  • one jumped off of a tall bridge
  • one took an intentional overdose of alcohol and methadone

There are people who I have worked with in acute settings—crisis centers, jail, emergency departments, medical and psychiatric hospitals—who tried to kill themselves, but never told me. There are people who have killed themselves after I met them, but I haven’t learned of their deaths.

I don’t think about the five people frequently, but they cross my mind from time to time. I hope the three are living lives they believe are worth living.

I say prayers for the two who are deceased, but the words of my prayers come from a language that has no shape or sound.

To prevent suicide, we must be willing and able to talk about it. This doesn’t mean that anxiety, fear, and discomfort are absent during conversations about death and dying. Talking about suicide does not increase the likelihood that people will kill themselves. In fact, these conversations often bring relief; it offers a perspective that frequently differs from the one that predominates in our heads.

The onus to broach this topic should not be solely on the person who is thinking about suicide. If we ever sense that people we love are not doing well, asking how they’re doing and learning more about what’s on their minds shows that we care.

When people are thinking about suicide, sometimes the best way we can help them is to let them know that we see them. We want them in our lives. And that may be how we can help them choose life.

Categories
Consult-Liaison Informal-curriculum Lessons Medicine

You Don’t Have to Like Everyone.

You don’t have to like everyone under your care. And you probably won’t, which is okay.

Own how you feel. If you insist on telling yourself that you should like someone when, in fact, you don’t, it will come out in other ways: The tone of your voice, the expressions on your face, the way you position your body.

There might completely understandable reasons why you don’t like the person under your care. Maybe he never seems to hear what you say. Maybe he doesn’t follow any of your recommendations, but he blames you for lack of healing. Maybe he expresses opinions you find offensive. Maybe he calls you racial slurs. Maybe he’s thrown things at you. Maybe he threatens to rape you. Maybe he’s told you that he will kill you and your family.

People do things like that for reasons that make complete sense to them. You may disagree with or misunderstand their reasons, but despite that, they are still people. Even though you may dislike some people under your care, you must still recognize that they are still human beings. The moment you refuse to recognize the humanity of the other person, you are at risk of inflicting violence upon them. Violence can manifest in many ways, including neglect.

First, do no harm.

It is possible to dislike someone and do no harm.

When we don’t like someone, it is much easier to assign blame entirely to the other person (e.g., “He’s an annoying @$$hole”). While it is possible that the problem has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person, that doesn’t change the fact that you cannot control other people. You can’t make someone less of an @$$hole. You, however, can make yourself view the situation in a different perspective.

Own how you feel. Let’s say he is, in fact, an @$$hole—something you cannot change. What if you focused instead on yourself?

“I really don’t like him. I feel dread whenever I have to see him.”

The reasons behind your dread make complete sense to you. When you acknowledge your dread and dislike to yourself, you give yourself more options as to how to proceed. You now have more control over the situation.

When you don’t like someone who is under your care and you acknowledge this, you can:

  • get support from your trusted colleagues. You can tell them how much you don’t want to see this person, how anxious and annoyed you feel about having to do this, and how much you don’t like this person. Get it out of your system ahead of time so you can be the professional you want to be when you actually see this person.
  • activate your internal coach. You can take some deep breaths and say a silent prayer before the interaction begins. You can rehearse some evacuation plans in case things start to run off the rails. Your internal coach can recruit your internal cheerleaders afterwards if the conversation goes well.
  • pause and remind yourself of your purpose. Your job does not include judging or shaming the person under your care. Your job isn’t to like the person under your care. Your job is to help the individual improve his health. Sometimes the people you care for have terrible life circumstances that contribute to the behaviors that you don’t like.
  • ask a colleague to see the individual so you don’t have to. Sometimes it is clear that the clinical relationship won’t work out at this time. We can’t be effective with 100% of the people we see (though we can try). Sometimes, the best way we can help the people under our care is to remove them from our care. (Sometimes, though, this isn’t an option.)

It’s often helpful to focus on the behaviors of an individual. When you focus on behaviors, you are more likely to remember and respect the person’s humanity. This keeps us professional and kind, even if we aren’t warm and smiling.

Indeed, he may do things that you don’t like… but he may also do things that you do like. And when we offer genuine thanks to people when they do things we like (e.g., “Thanks for your patience while I was asking you all of those personal questions,” “Thanks for summarizing your story quickly for me,” “Thanks for not calling me names today”[1. I have actually said, “Thanks for not calling me names today!” to people under my care and, no joke, the vast majority of them never address me with bigoted phrases ever again.]), people are almost always going to do those things more often.

You don’t have to like everyone under your care. Once you start owning how you feel, though, you might find that, most of the time, you do.

Categories
Homelessness Lessons Nonfiction Observations Reflection

What Would It Be Like to Say Hello?

My first memory of encountering a person who appeared to have no place to live was during my first year of college at UCLA. A man was sitting outside a mini-mart, his legs crossed and his hair long. He looked tired and his clothes had stains on them. Feeling pity for him, I went into the mini-mart and purchased a turkey sandwich on wheat.

“Here,” I said as I handed him the sandwich. I beamed with Warm Fuzzies for Doing a Good Deed. “Take this.”

Because I expected him to thank me for My Act of Generosity, I was dumbfounded when he started yelling at me with contempt: “A sandwich? I don’t want that sandwich. I don’t like turkey and I have an allergy to gluten. If you really wanted to help me, you’d buy me a meal at an all-you-can-eat place. What am I going to do after I eat a sandwich? I’ll still be hungry. At least I can get another plate of food at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.”

“Okay,” I said, my cheeks burning with shame. He had a point: All hungry people prefer all-you-can-eat food to what now looked like a pathetic turkey sandwich. I took the rejected sandwich back to my dorm room.

My dining companion and I were seated at a long table that looked out a large window. Across the street was a man who we often saw in the downtown shopping district. He often carried a unrolled sleeping bag on his shoulder while talking and growling to himself. His clothes were soiled and too big for him. The soles of his shoes were falling apart. He didn’t have a beard, only uneven facial stubble. His eyes were light and his face was dark from smears, smudges, dirt, and dust.

“He doesn’t look well,” I said to my dining companion. The man was sitting on his rumpled sleeping bag on the sidewalk while engaged in an animated conversation… with no one. Sometimes he leaned back against the side of the building and puffed on a cigarette.

“I wonder when he last ate,” I wondered aloud.

“Why don’t you buy him something to eat?”

“Because he might not want that. Some people feel shame when people just give them food. They don’t like that other people think that they don’t have enough money to buy food for themselves. And I don’t even know what kind of food he wants. When we’re done eating, let’s go over there and ask him.”

As we approached him, his posture was relaxed and he was about halfway through his cigarette. His clumpy hair was falling into his eyes and everything he was wearing was soiled. He was engrossed in a conversation, occasionally making a point with his right hand.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

He continued talking.

“Excuse me?”

He stopped talking, turned his head, and looked at me. He remained still as the swirls of smoke from his cigarette defied gravity with ease.

“Hi. Do you want some food?”

Another tendril of smoke dissolved into the night before he answered: He shook his head no.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded yes.

I smiled and waved good-bye. I heard him resume his conversation as we walked away.

In retrospect, I should have introduced myself and asked him for his name. And I wonder if, next time, he will be hungry and accept an offer of food.

Sometimes we believe people are so different from us. How could there be anything similar between that guy talking to himself and sleeping on the street and me? What do I have in common with that guy wearing dirty clothes and carrying a sleeping bag around?

Well, we all share the wish to be treated with dignity. We want people to acknowledge us, our presence, our existence. We want people to see us as equals, not less than. We want people to show us respect, to see us as people who have worth.

Maybe you see someone in your daily commute who sleeps outside or doesn’t seem to have any money. Maybe it’s someone who sits against a wall with a sign asking for help.

What would it be like if you said hello that person? Or made eye contact with that person and smiled? What would it be like to acknowledge that person as a person? What’s gotten in the way of you doing that in the past? What is the worst thing that could happen if you tried that? What’s the likelihood that your worst fear in this situation would come true?

What would it be like if we said hello to everyone in our communities? Because aren’t these individuals who sleep outside and talk to themselves part of our communities?