Categories
Medicine Observations Reflection

Dr. Handsy.

Note: I’ve felt pretty bummed out for the past two weeks, much of it related to the behaviors and opinions of the US federal government. Epictetus commented that

We are only enraged at the foolish because we make idols of those things which such people take from us.

which, yeah, is all fine and good, but I have yet to achieve a level of wisdom where I do not permit others to steal my peace. I find it hard to write when I’m unsettled.


A female friend, who is not a physician, recently asked me, “Do you find that, in your position, men treat you differently? Meaning, do they show you the same kind of respect that they show their male colleagues?”


The group of medical directors were seated around the table. The meeting was supposed to go on for six hours. While I was not the only female in the room, I was the only female medical director in that cohort.

Around hour two, the medical director seated to my right, a man with whom I had no relationship, made an emphatic statement to the group. While doing so, he leaned over and grasped my bare right arm with both hands. One hand gripped my bicep; the other hand wrapped around my forearm.

In my surprise, my eyebrows furrowed and I turned to look at him. Before I could ask him to let go, though, he had already released my arm and his palms were flat against the tabletop. The large gemstone on his left ring finger reflected the fluorescent lights overhead.

I smirked to myself. Did that just happen? Should I say something now? Maybe he won’t do that again. That was weird.

Around hour four, he used the back of his left hand to deliver a brisk tap to my right tricep.

“Hey, what does [acronym] mean?” he whispered as the group continued its discussion.

With urgency I pulled my arm into my lap. After murmuring my answer, I scooted my chair away from him.

It’s too late again for me to say something. Boo.

Around hour five, he rested his bejeweled left hand onto my right forearm while finishing his gallant comment, “… as Dr. Yang said earlier.”

Another man had already begun to speak as I yanked my arm away. Glancing at Dr. Handsy, I summoned forth the Ice Queen and hissed, “Please stop touching me.”

Oh, the look that Dr. Handsy shot at me! It was as if I had kicked his pet dog or spit in his beverage.


I smiled at my friend. “Do they show me the same kind of respect? Many do, but not all.”

Categories
Consult-Liaison Education Lessons Reflection

Being Right vs. Being Effective.

“It’s best to avoid confirming their beliefs,” they said, “but you can validate the underlying emotion.”


She was dabbing her eyes with a crumpled tissue already streaked with mascara.

“It’s been two years and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I thought we would grow old together, that he’d get to see his kids graduate from high school.”

“The sadness still feels overwhelming.”

“Yes,” she whispered before bursting into tears. “When will I stop feeling so sad?”


He avoided eye contact while his leg bobbed up and down.

“I feel so anxious, like I’m paranoid. It used to be that I only felt paranoid when I was high on crystal meth, but now it’s all the time. It’s like people are watching me all the time, like they want to know all my business or something.”

“It’s exhausting to feel so anxious all the time.”

“Oh my God, YES. I’m so tired, but I can’t relax.”


“I didn’t know what to say to my wife. She didn’t deserve any of this. I tried to stop, and I did for a few weeks, but then I’d download more of it. My wife was the one who answered the door when the police came to seize my computer. I would do anything to not have this problem; I know how many people it hurts.”

“You feel a lot of shame about looking at child porn.”

His face flushed and his voice quivered.

“Yeah.”


She heard every word, but her gaze was fixed to something on the other side of the room.

“I can’t. I’ve already said too much. I can’t. I can’t. They know, they will know, they already know everything. I can’t. It’s in the lights, it’s in the ceiling, it’s in the sky. It’s everywhere. I can’t. They will know and they will know through the lights—”

“You’re scared that something bad will happen if you tell me the story.”

“Yes! And I want to be strong, I don’t want to be scared.”


“The whites are better than the Asiatics—”

“Let me ask something else—”

“—and there will come a day when all the races will submit to us—”

“—I’m going to walk away if you keep talking about this—”

“—even people who went to a lot of school like you. I’ll remember that you were helpful, but you are still just an Asiatic—”

“—okay, I’m going now.”

“But Doctor! You know what I say is true! C’mon! Why won’t you talk to me about this? You’re not being a good doctor….”


“You also have to respect your own limits,” they said. “Sometimes you want to show that just how right you are, but it’s much more helpful to be effective. And sometimes it’s best for everyone if you end the conversation when you’re no longer effective. You can always try again later.”

Categories
Education Medicine Nonfiction Reflection

A Week in School!

I spent the past week at a health care ethics seminar. Here are some reflections:

How lucky was I to spend a week in school? The last time I sat in a classroom for five consecutive days was about 15 years ago. Prior to starting my clinical rotations in medical school, I was a professional student: There were 18 years between kindergarten and my second year of medical school. I got really skilled at sitting in classrooms, listening to people talk at me, and organizing the information for either tests or real-world application.

I’ve recognized the privilege of attending school. I don’t think I appreciated the depth of this privilege until this past week.

Different perspectives makes for rich learning. Most of the students in this seminar came from three professions: Chaplains, nurses, and physicians. There were some social workers, as well as an attorney or two.

There were further divisions within those groups: Some people were professionals within the military; others came from Catholic hospitals; multiple medical specialties were present. Most of the people there were already participating in ethics committees.

The different perspectives that each profession, specialty, and individual brought were useful. Decisions by committee can be onerous (cf. the pain of some meetings), but discussing and learning within committees is often humbling and fascinating. My classmates brought up ideas and arguments that I would not have considered.

One wonders if these rich discussions occur because we know our time together as a group is limited. In standing meetings in our usual jobs, we sometimes get accustomed to who says what and why. We might also face formal or informal consequences for speaking up (or not speaking up). In a week-long seminar, what have you got to lose by sharing your thoughts?

On not speaking up. As both a student and physician, I continue to receive feedback that I should talk more. (Given how much I blather here, one might find this surprising.) When I was a student, sometimes teachers thought I didn’t care about the topic. (Usually untrue.) Sometimes they thought I was shy. (I’m not, though people who haven’t gotten to know me might think otherwise.)

These days, sometimes people wish I would speak up to demonstrate my expertise. Sometimes I get the impression that some people want to know what I’m thinking, but when I don’t speak, they believe I’m withholding information on purpose. (Rarely true.)

There was plenty of dialogue that occurred between teacher and student and between students during the lectures. I said little. The admonitions from my past (and present) echoed in my ears: “You’re not talking! You’re not contributing to the group! Why don’t you say something and help out?”

Honestly, I think I’m just a slow thinker. It’s not that I don’t have opinions; I just find myself thinking about multiple perspectives at the same time. This muddles my thoughts. Muddled thoughts often leads me to produce incoherent speech. While I’m slowly clarifying a single line of thought, others who are able to organize their thoughts faster have raised their hands and are ready to speak.

Health care ethics isn’t limited to death and dying. Most of the discussions we had during the seminar surrounded death and dying. For example: A child is in a coma in the intensive care unit. The medical team wants to proceed with further interventions and treatment that has a 50% chance of recovery. The parents of the child want to withdraw treatment, which means imminent death. Discuss.

I imagine that most ethics consultations in the hospital are related to death and dying. But what about all the other ethical quandaries that are not as “glamorous”, but occur more frequently?

Like informed consent for medications. How much informing is “enough”? How much detail of the risks, benefits, and alternatives should we offer? If someone doesn’t want the information, but wants the treatment, is that a valid consent?

When I was a resident, one of my attendings commented in half-jest, “A common problem with informed consent is that by the time someone is truly informed, they are not able to provide consent… and when someone consents, they are not truly informed. Consider someone who is experiencing CPR: The chest compressions, the mouth-to-mouth breathing, the ribs breaking. That person is completely informed about CPR now… but he can’t consent. But when we obtain consent about CPR, that person usually has no idea what happens during CPR.”

Involuntary treatment is a big deal in psychiatry (as it should be). Sometimes we don’t seem to devote sufficient attention to all of its ethical issues.

The value of teachers showing vulnerability. Some of the speakers at this seminar take care of patients. They offered real clinical examples of ethical quandaries (e.g., a patient who doesn’t want to know her diagnosis, even though the physician believes that the patient should know). Those discussions were the most compelling because these teachers had opinions about what to do, but were not sure and still are not sure if they did the “right” thing.

I admired the thoughtfulness and humility of these speakers. Ambiguity is present in all of medicine. Sometimes we—all of us, regardless of our role—want a clear, concrete answer, but it doesn’t exist. Sometimes people craft an answer to reduce the motion sickness they feel while floating on the sea of ambiguity. It takes courage to recognize that sometimes there is no anchor, that the clouds are blocking the stars, that we don’t know where we are or what to do next. We just do the best we can with the information we have at the moment.

The value of pithiness. Several of the instructors seemed to speak solely in aphorisms. It didn’t matter how muddled or disorganized our questions were; they reformulated our questions with wisdom and clarity and provided concise answers.

I wish I could do that all the time.

Each instructor highlighted the importance of clarifying the ethics consultation question. This idea was also drilled into our minds as psychiatry residents when we were learning how to do hospital consults. What is the question? It doesn’t matter how great the answer is if it doesn’t actually address the question. And sometimes we don’t know what we’re asking.

Pithiness comes from clear thinking. Clear thinking comes from understanding the issue at hand. We don’t understand the “issue at hand” unless we ask questions.

Of course, these instructors have been thinking about ethics for years. They have likely heard our questions or some variant of them before. The various moral frameworks (e.g., utilitarianism, deontology, virtue ethics, etc.) are novel to us, but not to them.

It also takes time to think clearly. The time pressures inherent in clinical medicine contribute to muddled thinking or, in the worst case scenario, not thinking at all. This is yet another reason why I was grateful to attend this seminar: There was time to think, reflect, and consider the “bigger” picture of the work we do.

As I’ve noted before, the more experience I get, the more I realize how much I don’t know. (It’s disturbing.) This is why I now value more how to think, rather than what to think. The content changes over time as psychiatry makes (slow) advances. Knowing how to apply this information in the service of caring for patients is paramount.

For those of you interested in health care ethics, the primary paradigm this seminar used is called the “four boxes“. Look over my Twitter timeline for more comments about the seminar (though I stopped sharing much after day three, only because my mind felt full).

Categories
Education Lessons Medicine Nonfiction Reflection Seattle

It’s Good to be Busy.

It was a busy day:

There was the guy who spoke with enthusiasm about his doctrine of RUL (“Righteous Unconditional Love”); the man who stared through me after I asked him about whether he had eaten that morning; the fellow who made no efforts to hide his nose-picking while expressing his frustration with the court system; the young man who wouldn’t let me inspect the wound on his hand, though I soon recognized that he had crafted the wound out of a packet of juice crystals; the man who hadn’t taken a shower in several months, though the odor bothered me more than it bothered him; the guy who boasted about his abilities to run a mile in two minutes; the man who refused to acknowledge my existence; the fellow who advised me that he would prefer to take his medications in the morning because that’s what his nurse practitioner told him to do; the man who apologized for masturbating, but argued that he is young and “that’s what young people do”; the fellow who said that after he used “bad heroin”, he realized that his parents aren’t actually his parents; the guy who found lithium energizing and was in the process of tapering off of methadone; and the man who simply said, “I’m not sick,” when I asked him why he hadn’t been taking medication that the state psychiatric hospital had prescribed to him. Nurses paged to ask for orders for medications to reduce the discomfort of heroin withdrawal, medications that patients had asked for three days ago, medications that patients took before they entered jail. The phone rang as callers shared information about diagnosis, treatment, and next steps.

I tipped my head back in the chair, stretched my arms up, and sighed.

“You okay?”


It was my second year of residency and I was the only psychiatrist in the hospital that night. My duties included addressing any issues that occurred in the psychiatric unit and providing care for any patients that came to the emergency department with psychiatric concerns.

My classmates had warned me about a particular emergency medicine attending physician who was working that night:

  • “Last week he told me I was useless.”
  • “He rolls his eyes at me all the time.”
  • “He’s just angry. He won’t ever thank you for anything you do.”

“Hi, Dr. Angry,” I said around 7pm. “I’m the psychiatry resident on call tonight.”

After glancing at me, Dr. Angry grunted.

Well, I guess that’s how it’s going to go tonight.

Less than three hours later, after Dr. Angry referred four patients to me, he muttered in my direction, “I’ve got another one for you.”

Shortly after midnight, a patient’s husband was pulling her out of the ED while she was screaming at me.

“I’M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED FROM HERE! YOU’RE A TERRIBLE DOCTOR! I KNOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOSPITAL! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!”

I was shaking, but I wasn’t going to admit her to the hospital. Dr. Angry caught my eye and nodded once. I wasn’t the only person who knew I was shaking.

It was close to 3am and I had already seen seven patients.

Dr. Angry had a slight smile on his face as he approached me while I was slogging through my notes.

“Dr. Yang, there’s another one for you to see.”

please make it stop

“Thank you. Who is it?”

As I was beginning my note around 6am for the ninth patient I saw, Dr. Angry stopped by.

“Dr. Yang, you did all right. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Dr. Angry.”


I tipped my head back forward in the chair in the jail and dropped my arms.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied to my colleague. “It’s busy, but it’s good to be busy. And when I think about my intern year, this isn’t bad at all.”

Categories
Nonfiction Observations Seattle

White Glove Treatment.

In addition to five-star accommodations and world-class spa appointments in Portland and Seattle, each [Lamborghini] owner and their guests will be treated to private meals along the Pacific Coastline and the Puget Sound. Expect white glove treatment at every encounter, and curated excursions exclusive to Giro and the region. – GIRO 2017 PNW

The first Lamborghini I saw pulling out of the driveway of the parking garage in downtown Seattle was either yellow or orange. Its engine rumbled for all to hear even though it was in low gear. I stopped walking when I reached the driveway, waiting for the sleek and shiny car to pull into the street.

A few moments passed and another Lamborghini pulled out of the parking garage into the driveway. This one, another bright color, didn’t even stop before it turned left into the street.

The pedestrian waiting on the other side of the driveway was dressed for work: Short-sleeved summer blouse, pencil skirt, dark flats, and bangles on her left wrist. She shifted her weight to her right hip and looked into the garage.

A third Lamborghini zoomed out of the parking garage and swerved left into the street. There were now three or four pedestrians on the other side of the driveway waiting to cross the entrance of the parking garage.

In the street were two women, probably no older than 25, who were wearing white polo shirts and denim shorts. With some anxiety they looked down the street, watching for oncoming traffic. They waved their hands at the garage, beckoning more cars to come forth. They ignored the pedestrians on the sidewalk.

The fourth Lamborghini had a mirrored surface. The morning sunlight gleamed off of its sides. The driver was an older man who was losing his hair. In the passenger seat was an older woman with bright yellow hair and sunglasses that covered half of her russet face. This mirrored car coasted out of the driveway without pausing.

“Oh, come on,” I muttered. The Woman Dressed for Work on the other side of the driveway rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh that was seen, not heard.

More Lamborghinis poured out of the parking garage, parting the Red Sea of pedestrians. The traffic light farther up the street was still red, though, so the parade of Lamborghinis was slowing to a halt in a single queue.

Yet another Lamborghini was approaching the exit of the parking garage. Empowered by annoyance and self-righteousness, I walked forward. Would the Lamborghini let me, a mere pedestrian, have the right of way?

The pedestrians on the other side of the driveway followed suit. The fancy car lurched to a halt as we foot commuters walked in front of it. We all heard the loud, idling engines of more Lamborghinis in the garage waiting for us to pass. Even though some pedestrians slowed their gait, everyone looked straight ahead.

Good manners go a long way. Status alone doesn’t earn white glove treatment and respect.