Category: Reflection

Categories
Blogosphere Nonfiction Reflection

My Brief History on the Internet.

The first time I posted my writing on the internet was in 1997. I created a website about The Evolution of Mickey Mouse. It was based on a report I wrote in high school about the small mammal. My research for this report entailed several visits to the library to scroll through multiple rolls of microfilm (do kids these days even know what microfilm is?) to find articles that described the mouse during his heyday. I decided to put my findings on the internet so other people wouldn’t have to dig through canisters of microfilm. That Mickey Mouse website did well: For a short period of time, back when the Yahoo! search engine reigned supreme and Google was new, the site was ranked #2 with the search terms “Mickey Mouse”.[1. Disney.com, of course, came up first if you searched for “Mickey Mouse”.] Children from the world over sent me e-mails with instructions to “say hi” to Mickey Mouse. The internet was a sweet and innocent place.

My first blog was hosted on Open Diary. It was late 2000 and I was a medical student. I used a nom de plume that now causes me some mild embarrassment. I wanted to record my experiences in medical training. This was not a new practice for me: In junior high, high school, and college, I filled the college-ruled pages of dozens of spiral-bound notebooks with my thoughts. To my knowledge, there weren’t many medical students blogging at that time. Other Open Diary users read my writing, seemed to enjoy it, and expressed interest in what happens in medical school. Writing for an audience was fun. The internet was a social and friendly place.

Open Diary used fixed templates. While I knew that the substance of the writing was paramount, I wanted more style on the screen. That’s when I moved my writing to Blogger (still owned by Pyra Labs at that time) and adopted the title “intueri: to contemplate”. That would remain the name of my blog for six to seven years. I dropped my nom de plume and started using my first name. No one could figure out who I am with just my first name, right? And even if they do, who’s gonna care?

I wrote about my experiences in medical school… and then about my experiences in residency. My blog moved off of Blogger and I bought my own domain. I used MovableType for a few years. I then tried WordPress and have used it since. I read Instapundit and he posted an e-mail I sent to him. Ezra Klein, before he became Ezra Klein, called me “one of the web’s most graceful prose stylists“. I hosted Grand Rounds a few times.[2. If you know what Grand Rounds is, that shows your blogging age.] I started meeting people who read my writing online. The internet was a dynamic and exciting place.

I started feeling ambivalent about writing online. I closed down comments because anonymous people left statements like, “ALL PSYCHIATRISTS SHOULD DIE” and “YOU’RE A PSYCHIATRIST, YOU KILL CHILDREN”. A physician who wrote a blog under a pseudonym was revealed in court. I worried that my writing wasn’t fictitious enough, that maybe my stories weren’t purely coincidental. My mind generated catastrophes: Someone might read a story and think I was talking about them! They would sue me and I would lose my license! Other doctors would judge me! I would never recover! Even if I did, one of those commenters who hate psychiatrists would then kill me!

So I shut down that blog. The internet was a scary and dangerous place.

I moved to New York City. A man who was living there had been reading my blog for a few years. He suggested that we meet. We dated. We eventually got married in Central Park.

I couldn’t not write. Nearly two years had passed since I had posted any of my writing online. I decided to start another blog, though I did not want to write in fear. In White Ink revealed my full name. (Nothing bad happened.) The first post appeared there in 2010. The internet was not dangerous place, though not an innocent place, either. The internet was a place to learn.

I purchased this domain name, mariayang.org, that same year. Would you believe that it took nearly four years for me to build the courage to finally occupy the space?

Next time: Occasionally asked questions about blogging as a physician.

Categories
Nonfiction Observations Reflection

Sea Lions.

The sun was beginning its ascent into the sky, though it had yet to peek over the horizon. An occasional harbor seal poked its round head through the surface of the dark water in the marina. The twinkling stars overhead were starting to fade.

Dozens of sea lions were piled on top of the rocky pier. The males, some weighing close to 700 pounds, barked and snarled at each other. A loud splash occasionally cut through the din when, during a quarrel, one of them fell into the water.

My friend and I walked along the platform. The wood planks creaked under our weight as we followed the path back to the shore. We spied a sea otter, curled up and snoozing, at one end of the dock.

My friend stopped walking.

“What?” I asked.

He pointed. My gaze followed his finger through the purple darkness.

Not six feet away from us on the pier was a heap of eight or nine sea lions. The smaller ones were farther away from the main walkway. A blubbery male, teeth showing and head raised, was seated on the platform. He was looking at us.

“What if he attacks us?” my friend whispered.

Some of the other sea lions turned their heads and cast a wary eye upon us. The corpulent male guarding his tribe barked. My friend leaned back into me.

“He won’t attack us. They eat fish,” I reasoned.

“That thing weighs like 700 pounds,” he said. “He could crush us.”

The distance between the fleshy sea lion and the other edge of the platform was about three feet. There was no other way back to the shore.

“Just don’t make eye contact and keep walking,” I said.

He didn’t move. Shrugging, I slipped around my friend, kept my eyes down, and walked past the bulky creatures. My fingers could have patted their heads; their flippers could have smacked me into the water.

When I was about eight feet past the sea lions, I heard hasty footfalls behind me. My friend, unscathed by the animals, appeared by my side.

“That was scary,” he murmured.

“They could have eaten us!” he exclaimed once we were on shore. “They weigh a lot! Did you know that sea lions can run on land faster than humans can? Can you imagine a 700-pound sea lion tackling you? Into the water?”

“But they don’t eat humans. And we weren’t going to fight him for that dock or his clan.”

After a few moments of silence, he said, “You’re brave. You walked by them as if they weren’t there.”

I wondered about this later. My friend is not timid, nor is he nervous. Why did the sea lions rattle him so much?

The construction workers across the street shouted at me.

“Hey baby! Wanna gimme some sugar tonight?”

He was sitting on the stoop when I walked by.

“Konichiwa. An nyoung. Ni hao,” he called. “You speak one of those, right, honey? How do you say ‘I love you’?”

While I was waiting to cross the street, he came up to me and said, “You’re pretty. You’re pretty. You’re really pretty. Asian woman, you’re pretty.”

He waved at me from across the room. “Hey, doc! Do you do sex therapy? I want to learn more about that… from you.”

Of course. I am a woman, he is a man. What have I done in the past when I got attention I didn’t want, when I wanted to disappear?

“Just don’t make eye contact and keep walking.”

Categories
Nonfiction Observations Reflection

Michael.

Everyone noticed him before we boarded the plane. He asked the airline representative at least three times to confirm that he had a seat. He looked like an adult, but the tone of his voice was that of a child.

“Yes, you have a seat, Michael. It’s 7B.”

Grey cargo pants covered his short legs. The sleeves of his striped polo shirt collected below his elbows, making his arms look even shorter and his hands even smaller. His neck hid inside his collar. His fingers were short and thick. His glasses magnified the creases in his eyelids. Because his nose was flat, it made his mouth look wide.

The elderly man in the aisle seat had asked the flight attendant to stow his cane. Wrinkles burrowed into his forehead and surrounded his eyes. They revealed a lifelong habit of frowning. The elderly man heaved a sigh of resignation when Michael took the seat between him and me.

Michael sat down with conviction, then stood up and adjusted the nozzle so more air blew into his face. After sitting down again with resolve, he picked up the seat belt.

“What is this?” he asked, his fingers poking the thick padding. When no one responded, he turned to me and said, “This isn’t a normal seat belt. It’s weird.”

As other passengers filed past us, he greeted every third or fourth person.

“Hi! Hi!” He thrusted his arm forward across the lap of the elderly man. Without realizing what they were doing, many people found themselves shaking his hand.

“Hello! My name is Michael! Who are you going to see? I’m going to see my dad. He bought my plane ticket for me.”

“Oh… that’s nice.”

The elderly man sat back, leaned away from Michael, and sighed.

Michael turned off his cell phone. Turning to me, he saw me send a text message.

“You’re supposed to turn off your phone, like this, see?” He waved his phone at me like it was a baby rattle.

Shortly after the plane took flight, Michael reached his hand in front of my face and pulled down the window shade.

“Too bright,” he said as he looked back at the television.

The flight was about two and half hours long. Twice, Michael announced to the elderly man, “I need to use the bathroom.” The elderly man said nothing, pushed himself out of his seat with his arms, and stood in the aisle with sorrow on his face as Michael ambled his way to the lavatory.

When the pilot announced that we were approaching our destination, Michael reached over, grunted, and pulled the shade up halfway. Through the double-paned window we saw the Pacific ocean, its waves rolling towards the coast in a never-ending parade. A squadron of pelicans glided over the water. Small boats left frothing white wakes atop the blue-green swells.

Michael reached over again and pulled the shade up a little more. We both continued to look out the window.

When the plane arrived at the gate, Michael bolted out of his seat, reached over the elderly man, popped open the overhead bin, and pulled down his backpack.

“I’m going to see my dad!” he announced.

An airport attendant boarded the plane and called Michael’s name. He raised his hand with the enthusiasm of a child who wants to answer a question first.

“I’m Michael!” he said. “Are you going to walk with me off the plane?”

I saw Michael a few minutes later outside the terminal and witnessed his reunion with his father. His father did not share physical characteristics with Michael; Down syndrome is not heritable.

They hugged each other and both smiled with joy. The extra copy of chromosome 21 did not diminish the love father had for son.

“How was your flight?”

“It was great,” Michael said. They began to walk away together, his father’s arm holding Michael close to him.

We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions.[1. This quote is attributed to several different people, including Andy Andrews, Stephen Covey, and Ian Percy.] For people with overt disabilities or deformities, we are more forgiving of their behaviors because we are more charitable about their intentions.

Why do we not do the same for those people whose deformities or disabilities are not visible?

Categories
Consult-Liaison Education Medicine Observations Reflection

The Patience of Patients.

When I was a resident one of my attendings said, “You know why patients are called ‘patients’? It’s because they have a lot of patience. For us.”

Patients in hospitals do a lot of waiting. They wait for physicians. They wait for nurses. They wait to use the bathroom. They wait to undergo procedures. They wait for their IVs to stop beeping. They wait for the person next door to stop vomiting up what sounds like all of their internal organs. They wait for the person down the hall to stop screaming. They wait to eat. (Doctors: Reverse those NPO orders as soon as you can! Food is at the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs! Food is more important than safety and security of health!) They wait for the nursing assistants to finish taking their blood pressures so they can sleep. They wait for the unit clerk to answer the phone so a nurse can help them get out of bed without the bed alarms screeching throughout the unit.

They wait to feel better. They wait for good news.

No one has any idea how much patients wait in the hospital until you become a patient in the hospital.

Sometimes it’s not even clear what patients are waiting for. Hospital staff arrive and they have no idea why they are there:

  • “Hi, I’m the physical therapist.”
  • “Hi, I’m here to take you down for an ultrasound.”
  • “Hi, I’m the dietician.”
  • “Hi, I’m the consulting psychiatrist.”[1. Hospitalists: If you call a psychiatry consult for your patient, tell your patient. Most people, with or without psychiatric issues, do not appreciate an unexpected visit from a psychiatrist. “I’m not crazy! Get out of my room! No one asked you to come here!”]

Because of the nature of acute care in hospitals, rarely do things run on a consistent, predictable schedule. This lack of punctuality is not intentional; things change. Hospital staff triage patients all the time and, unfortunately, patients and patient care are shuffled around in order of acuity.

Thus, if you’re in a hospital and someone tells you that So-and-So will see you at 2pm, don’t believe it. Yes, So-and-So might actually see you at 2pm, but it takes extraordinary planetary alignment for that to happen. So-and-So might show up at noon… or at 4:30pm.

Yes, doctors wait, too. The waiting doctors do, though, is informed by the knowledge they have about why they’re waiting. Doctors wait for patients to come out of the bathroom. They wait for patients to go for a study or imaging test. They wait for family members to arrive to get more history. They wait for the pathology or study results to clarify diagnosis and treatment. They wait for information that affects what happens next.

Patients often wait without knowing what will happen next.

If you work in a hospital, remember that most patients have an extraordinary amount of patience, given the circumstances. Yes, there is a minuscule minority who have the frustration tolerance and impulse control of toddlers, but that is not a common means of coping in adults. (Physicians tend to call psychiatry when this happens. This is not a common consult.)

Do what you can to orient patients to what is going on. Give them approximate times for your visits and if you are running late, send a message to them to let them know. (Technology could help here: What if we could send text messages to patients through the television? or if the text message could become a voice message on their in-room telephones?) If patients are not around when you come by to see them, leave a note to let them know that you’ll try again later. (Technology could help with this, too.) Tell them why you don’t want them to eat after midnight. Tell them why you want them to work with physical therapy. Tell them the purpose of the bed alarm.

Help them understand what they are waiting for. Don’t take their patience for granted.

Categories
Education Lessons Medicine Nonfiction Observations Reflection

Cancer.

As a fourth year medical student I did my “sub-internship” in oncology. I hoped that this rotation would help me choose what specialty to pursue: internal medicine or psychiatry.

One of “my” patients was a woman with breast cancer that had spread to her liver and lungs. Fluffy brown hair fell to her shoulders. Wrinkles surrounded her puffy eyes that held jade green irises. Though she was in pain, she was patient and kind.

On the evening of her second day in the hospital, I came to her room and asked if there was anything else we could help with that day. Her pale, thin lips stretched into a sad smile.

“No, thank you,” she answered. “Have a good night.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said.

She was sleeping when I saw her the next morning, though awoke without a startle when I said her name. She kept her eyes closed as I placed the cool, metal diaphragm of the stethoscope on her chest and back. She murmured her thanks before I left her room.

As the attending oncologist, resident, intern, nurse, fellow medical student, and I approached her room later for formal rounds, she called to us.

“I can’t see!” she gasped. “I can’t see!”

We surrounded her bed and the attending began to ask her questions. He waved fingers in front of her face. He directed the beam from his penlight into her eyes.

“I can’t see! No, I can’t see!”

“But you could see yesterday, right?” he asked. She turned her head as if she was looking around at us, but her gaze was over our heads.

“Yes… but I can’t see now. Does this mean that I will never see my husband and daughters again? Is this permanent?”

I tried not to cry. The other medical student and the intern also looked away, their eyes welling with tears.

We learned later that the cancer had metastasized to her occipital lobe, the part of the brain that controls vision. Though her eyes were in good working order, the part of her brain that interpreted the electrochemical signals from her optic nerves was not. The cancer had stolen her sight.

You learn a lot of things in medical school: anatomy, physiology, pharmacology, and other concrete facts about human function. You also learn about human relations, communicating with people with different agendas, the system of health care, and other topics that fall under the “informal curriculum“.

You also learn how tenuous life is. You see women give birth to dead babies. You see children succumbing to cancer. Healthy adults get hit by stray bullets and drunk drivers. Heart attacks and strokes steal time and life away without making a sound.

You begin to recognize the blessings that you previously overlooked: I can eat all the cookies I want and I don’t have to take insulin. I don’t need a walker to get around. My fingertips and toes can feel the soft fur of a cat, the hot water coming out of the shower, and the zing of static electricity. I can breathe without difficulty and without having to lug an oxygen tank around. My arms and legs move when I want them to. My balance is intact.

You also realize, with some dread, that all of that can change in an instant. So you better enjoy the blessings while you got ’em.

My mother was sent to the hospital with urgency the day I returned to California to visit my parents. She was subsequently diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer.

I am grateful that I could advocate for my mother while she was in the hospital. I am also thankful that I could translate what was happening—not just from English to Chinese, but also from medical jargon to plain English—to my parents.

I was struck by the degree of confusion and uncertainty throughout her hospitalization. Things that I knew as a physician were not at all obvious to my parents. Things that I knew as a concerned family member were not at all obvious to the physicians.

I was and remain humbled.

As a consequence of this, upcoming posts will focus on how health care in hospitals work, what hospitals can do differently to help patients understand what is happening, and things that both medical staff and patients can do to make the hospital experience better for everyone.