Category: Nonfiction

Categories
Nonfiction Observations Reflection

Patients in a Resuscitation Room.

I didn’t post anything here last week because my dad, while walking, was hit by a car. (He is feeling better, thank you.)

When I arrived, my father occupied one of four beds in a resuscitation room. The other three beds were empty. It was still early in the morning and there were few people in the emergency department.

As the day wore on, other patients were wheeled into and out of the room. A pale yellow curtain with a floral motif enclosed the space around each patient. The patients and their visitors caught glimpses of each other whenever the ED staff pulled the curtains open.

While curtains provide visual privacy, they are not soundproof.

An inmate from the local jail came in with chest pain. He shared his entire medical history with his accompanying jail officer. After listening to the inmate’s monologue for about five minutes, the officer interjected, “I’m going to watch this TV show now.” The inmate, along with the rest of us, listened to what sounded like an action movie. The inmate sounded more disappointed than relieved when he learned that he did not need to stay in the hospital. He went back to jail.

A mother and father came in for reasons I never learned. Their young toddler with enormous eyes grasped the pale yellow curtain in her tiny fists as she explored both sides of the boundary. Their infant stopped wailing when the mother sang, her voice full and calm. When the family left, they took the laughter with them.

A woman with dark pink hair was wheeled in. Another car hit her while she was driving. Her voice was light and melodic as she expressed profuse thanks to the medics. Her voice cracked as she spoke to a friend on the phone: Was she ever going to get a break? Why did her friend hit her with the car? Why was this the third time in her life she was in a car crash? What if she never got sensation back in her leg? Why did she have so much bad luck? After she hung up the phone, she wept. She took her frustration out on the nurse. No one was at her bedside.

A slender man was wheeled in. He, too, was in a car crash. His answers to questions were short and quiet. The sadness on his face could have been new, though the wrinkles around his lips and eyes hinted that maybe he wore a sad face most days. He stared up at the ceiling. No one visited him.

My mother came into the room, too. My father recalled when he was last in an emergency department: His wife was short of breath and feeling exhausted. He remembered the week she spent in the hospital, all the questions, poking, and testing she had to endure, and how much she hated it.

“Now I understand why she didn’t like the hospital,” he murmured. The edge of the pale yellow curtain shifted, though no one was there.

Categories
Education Homelessness Medicine Nonfiction Policy Systems

People Get Better.

“What?!” he exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” I replied, puzzled.

“That’s… amazing.”

“Yeah, it is.” I paused, finally realizing that he had never heard me talk about this before. “It actually happens a lot. People get better. People get better all the time.”

When I first met him, he screamed at me, his face red, spittle flying from his lips. He refused to believe I was a physician.

“Women can’t be doctors! They can’t!”

He did believe, though, that televisions could control his thoughts.

“They know what I think! When they start talking, they control what I think and what I say and what I do!”

He drew a swastika that covered the entire wall of his jail cell.

“Yes, I believe in white supremacy! But I’m not part of a group!”

He accepted medications on his own. First, the yelling stopped. Then, the swastika disappeared. Drawings of cute farm animals took its place. Within a few weeks, he greeted me with a smile.

“Hi, Dr. Yang. How are you doing today? I hope you’re well.”

He invited me to sit at the small table next to the kitchenette in his apartment.

“You want anything to drink?”

“No, thank you. How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. What do you know about the Mediterranean diet? I want to try that. I want to lose some of this weight.”

After discussing the merits of vegetables and lean proteins as they related to heart health, he leaned back in his chair. He then blurted, “It’s been six months since I smoked a cigarette.”

He never smiled when he shared his accomplishments. His condition prevented him from doing so. I smiled for him.

He resumed musing about dietary changes. I mused about how far he had come: Just 18 months ago he was living on the streets, often snarling at strangers and the voices that only he heard. He came to the attention of the police when he chased a young mother pushing her baby in a stroller. He threatened to beat them with the metal pipe in his hand. The police thankfully sent him to the hospital for care.

“Thanks for seeing me,” he said as he walked me to the door. The voices hadn’t completed disappeared, but he could ignore them now. “I like steak and potatoes, but I’ll try the leafy vegetables.”

He used both hands to smear his own feces on his arms, chest, and belly. He applied toothpaste to his elbows and his knees. I asked him why.

“because it’s protection it’s protection against all of you I shouldn’t be here I’m fine I’m not sick you don’t understand who I am they all know who I am you would be scared too if you knew who I am people know me from way back—”

He began howling at the door.

Within days of him receiving medications, all of that stopped. His jail cell was clean. He took showers. He never spoke of what happened. Neither did I.

I was taking a walk a few months later when I heard someone call, “Hey, Dr. Yang!”

I turned around and saw a group of men in uniform working. This man, suited up like his colleagues, waved at me and smiled.

I couldn’t help but smile—this is fanstastic!—but felt a twinge of embarrassment. Did he know that he had called me “doctor”? What would his coworkers think?

First do no harm. I waved back.

“Nice to see you, Doc,” he continued. “I’m doing good.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Take care of yourself.”

“I will, Doc. Thanks.”

People get better. The science hasn’t yet generated interventions that guarantee that everyone will get better. Furthermore, some people who could get better can’t access care due to barriers related to finances, policy, and other systemic factors.

Until then, we must share both stories and data (try this, this, and this) that people get better. It is amazing, but it shouldn’t be surprising.

Categories
Homelessness Lessons Nonfiction Observations Reflection

What Would It Be Like to Say Hello?

My first memory of encountering a person who appeared to have no place to live was during my first year of college at UCLA. A man was sitting outside a mini-mart, his legs crossed and his hair long. He looked tired and his clothes had stains on them. Feeling pity for him, I went into the mini-mart and purchased a turkey sandwich on wheat.

“Here,” I said as I handed him the sandwich. I beamed with Warm Fuzzies for Doing a Good Deed. “Take this.”

Because I expected him to thank me for My Act of Generosity, I was dumbfounded when he started yelling at me with contempt: “A sandwich? I don’t want that sandwich. I don’t like turkey and I have an allergy to gluten. If you really wanted to help me, you’d buy me a meal at an all-you-can-eat place. What am I going to do after I eat a sandwich? I’ll still be hungry. At least I can get another plate of food at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.”

“Okay,” I said, my cheeks burning with shame. He had a point: All hungry people prefer all-you-can-eat food to what now looked like a pathetic turkey sandwich. I took the rejected sandwich back to my dorm room.

My dining companion and I were seated at a long table that looked out a large window. Across the street was a man who we often saw in the downtown shopping district. He often carried a unrolled sleeping bag on his shoulder while talking and growling to himself. His clothes were soiled and too big for him. The soles of his shoes were falling apart. He didn’t have a beard, only uneven facial stubble. His eyes were light and his face was dark from smears, smudges, dirt, and dust.

“He doesn’t look well,” I said to my dining companion. The man was sitting on his rumpled sleeping bag on the sidewalk while engaged in an animated conversation… with no one. Sometimes he leaned back against the side of the building and puffed on a cigarette.

“I wonder when he last ate,” I wondered aloud.

“Why don’t you buy him something to eat?”

“Because he might not want that. Some people feel shame when people just give them food. They don’t like that other people think that they don’t have enough money to buy food for themselves. And I don’t even know what kind of food he wants. When we’re done eating, let’s go over there and ask him.”

As we approached him, his posture was relaxed and he was about halfway through his cigarette. His clumpy hair was falling into his eyes and everything he was wearing was soiled. He was engrossed in a conversation, occasionally making a point with his right hand.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

He continued talking.

“Excuse me?”

He stopped talking, turned his head, and looked at me. He remained still as the swirls of smoke from his cigarette defied gravity with ease.

“Hi. Do you want some food?”

Another tendril of smoke dissolved into the night before he answered: He shook his head no.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded yes.

I smiled and waved good-bye. I heard him resume his conversation as we walked away.

In retrospect, I should have introduced myself and asked him for his name. And I wonder if, next time, he will be hungry and accept an offer of food.

Sometimes we believe people are so different from us. How could there be anything similar between that guy talking to himself and sleeping on the street and me? What do I have in common with that guy wearing dirty clothes and carrying a sleeping bag around?

Well, we all share the wish to be treated with dignity. We want people to acknowledge us, our presence, our existence. We want people to see us as equals, not less than. We want people to show us respect, to see us as people who have worth.

Maybe you see someone in your daily commute who sleeps outside or doesn’t seem to have any money. Maybe it’s someone who sits against a wall with a sign asking for help.

What would it be like if you said hello that person? Or made eye contact with that person and smiled? What would it be like to acknowledge that person as a person? What’s gotten in the way of you doing that in the past? What is the worst thing that could happen if you tried that? What’s the likelihood that your worst fear in this situation would come true?

What would it be like if we said hello to everyone in our communities? Because aren’t these individuals who sleep outside and talk to themselves part of our communities?

Categories
Funding Homelessness Nonfiction NYC Policy Reflection Seattle Systems

God’s Work versus Meaningful Work versus Value.

Every now and then, when some people learn what kind of work I do, they say, “You’re doing God’s work. Thank you.”

They mean well, so I accept the compliment, though I also tack on, “I also like what I do. It’s meaningful work for me.”

So many of the people I see, whether in my current job or in my past jobs working in other underserved communities, have a lot going on that psychiatry and medicine cannot formally address. One example is housing. It is often an effective intervention for the distress of people who don’t have a place to live, though housing is not something physicians can prescribe. However, there are individuals who are eligible for housing, but do not want to move into housing for reasons that do not make sense to most people. For example, in New York I worked with a man who would spend his days sitting in front of the building where he once worked before he became ill. He talked to himself and burned through multiple packs of cigarettes. He did not recognize how soiled his clothes and skin became with time. At night he disappeared into the subway tunnels and rode the trains. He did not want to move into an apartment until he was able to get his job back, even though he hadn’t worked there in over ten years. With time (nearly two years!) and unrelenting attention, our team was able to persuade him to try living indoors. He eventually accepted the key and moved in.

There are other active conditions that I do not have the skills to treat: Sometimes it’s institutional racism; sometimes it’s multiple generations of poverty. Both prevent people from accessing education, housing, and other resources. Do some of these individuals end up taking psychotropic medications due to the consequences of these systemic conditions? Yes. Do I think they’re always indicated? No.

Most of my jobs have been unconventional: I worked on an Assertive Community Treatment team that often provided intensive psychiatric services in people’s homes. I worked with a homeless outreach team and did most of my clinical work in alleys, under bridges, and in public parks. I worked in a geriatric adult home and saw people either in my office, which was literally the storage room for the recreational therapist’s stuff, or in their apartments if they were uncomfortable seeing me in the storage room. I was recruited to create and lead the programming for a new crisis center whose goal was to divert people from jails and emergency departments.

And now I work in a jail.

As time progresses, it has become clear to me that I have not had the typical career for a psychiatrist. I like that. However, I often also feel out of touch with my colleagues. I believe that they are all trying their best, but they don’t have the time to see how systems end up failing the most vulnerable and ill in our communities. They work in the ivory towers of academia and don’t seem to realize the dearth of resources—financial, administrative, academic—in the community. They work in private practice and don’t seem to realize how ill some people are and how we need their expertise. They work in psychiatric hospitals and seem to believe that some of these individuals will never get better when, in fact, they do.

Because much of my work has been outside of the traditional system, I consider myself fortunate that I have been able to escape the box of simply prescribing medications. Many of the individuals under my care do not want to take medications. Their desire to not take medications, though, doesn’t stop us from working with them. We meet them where they are at and remember that they are, first, people. As we are in the profession of helping people shift their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, we believe that there will come a time—maybe soon, but maybe not for weeks, months, or years—that something will change. Just getting someone to talk to us becomes the essential task. This is true whether someone is in a jail cell, living in a cardboard box under a bridge, or residing in a studio apartment.

Should systems pay psychiatrists to do this work? Maybe it’s not “cost effective” because of its “low return on investment”. After all, this task of “building rapport” means psychiatrists aren’t working “at the top of their licenses”. If a psychiatrist is able to get people to talk to her and help them shift their behaviors, whether or not that involves medications, does that have value?

Does the psychiatrist’s efforts have value if it helps the “system” save money?

Is there value if it reduces the suffering of these individuals who have had to deal with police officers, jails, and living on the streets due to a psychiatric condition?

Perhaps my idealism blinds me. One of my early mentors in New York City often said, “I want the guy who lives under the Manhattan Bridge to have a psychiatrist who is as good as, if not better than, the psychiatrist who has a private practice on Fifth Avenue.” I couldn’t agree more.

Categories
Education Nonfiction Reflection

Primary and Secondary Emotions.

I used my left arm to stop the tears from rolling off my cheeks and onto the lotus root. Had I known that Act One of episode 597 of This American Life would make me cry to the point that I would have to wipe the snot from my nose multiple times with my arm, I wouldn’t have listened to it while making a lotus root salad for a party.

People warned me that my grief about my mother’s death would continue to fluctuate with time. It had been many months since I last cried; how was I to know that learning about the wind telephone in Japan would induce such a reaction?

Perhaps my grief wasn’t my own. My father’s older brother recently died.

“I’m glad I could help with the funeral arrangements for him,” my father murmured to me. “I went through all that just three years ago, so I knew what to do.”

I nodded. He sighed.

“He was my older brother. It was still a shock.”

I looked away. He didn’t need to see his daughter trying to hide the sadness from her face.

I first learned about “primary” and “secondary” emotions while learning dialectical behavior therapy. Marsha Linehan points out that there is

a distinction between primary or “authentic” emotions and secondary or “learned” emotions. The latter are reactions to primary cognitive appraisals and emotional responses; they are the end products of chains of feelings and thoughts. Dysfunctional and maladaptive emotions, according to Greenberg and Safran, are usually secondary emotions that block the experience and expression of primary emotions.

Some (corny) examples are helpful here:

Primary emotion: “All right! I did well on that test! I feel happy about my performance!”
Secondary emotion: “But wait! I still missed some items on the test. I feel ashamed that I felt so happy about how I did. It’s not like I got a perfect score.”

Primary emotion: “I can’t believe she did that! Who does things like that, anyway? I feel angry.”
Secondary emotion: “Maybe I’m overreacting about her. I don’t want people to think I’m a b!tch. I’m disappointed that I can’t control my moods better.”

Not much time has to pass between the primary and secondary emotions. In fact, sometimes people experience only the secondary emotion. The experience of the primary emotion gets lost, even though the primary emotion reveals useful information about the situation and how the person relates to it.

Infants and children experience and express primary emotions. We become acquainted with secondary emotions as we age.

Primary emotion: I feel sad about the death of my mother. I witnessed how her death affected my father, who lost his companion of forty years. There are things that only my father and I understand; we can’t talk about those things with anyone else because they just won’t get it. I feel sad that he is at that age where multiple loved ones are dying because their time has run out. I feel sad when I consider the loneliness he must feel at least some of the time.

Secondary emotion: God willing my father dies before I do: No father should outlive both his spouse and child. Of course I will feel grief when he dies. Will it be worse than the grief I felt when my mother died? What if it’s too much grief? What if I don’t have the mettle to tolerate it?

What will I do when my only option is to use a wind telephone?