Category: Reflection

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Lessons Medicine Nonfiction Reflection

Repost: Control.

I wrote the post below over ten years ago during my last year of medical school. I was on an elective hospice rotation. This came to mind this weekend after I visited a mentor who is dying from cancer. Someone from a hospice service also visited him while I was there.

I will miss him.

We all die.

Really. We all die.

And people know this. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe.

Some people accept this fact that yes, we all die, with calm grace. Some, indeed, genuinely welcome death and look forward to shedding this mortal coil. Some don’t necessarily want to die, but they recognize the inevitable fact and actively choose to spend the rest of their days living, not dying.

And then there are people who fight death. Or maybe it’s not death itself that they fight; they fight their mortality. They struggle with the fact that life will end. They don’t want to relinquish control over their existences. They want to know how much time they have left, what exactly will happen, and how things will progress between this moment and that last breath.

Family members of dying people (but really, aren’t we all dying?) seem to feel more—sadness? anger? frustration?—whatever; they often seem to feel more than the patients. The Type A’s get super Type A, jumping all over the place, asking How? When? Why? What? How much? How often? How quickly? How slowly? Can I do this? What about this? And that? The angry people get angrier, but I don’t think the core emotion is anger. The sad people try not to feel more sad, but their cheery smiles are obviously superficial. And the crazy people just get crazier.[1. I wince at what words I used to describe people in the past. I hope the wincing means that I’ve gained some wisdom over the years.]

It’s not fair to say that this grief is entirely selfish, but in a way, it is: If the loved one dies, it is a theft from the person in question. There will no longer be any shared moments, quiet glances, bursts of laughter, or shouting matches. And if the loved one dies, it only reminds us of our own mortality.

Because we all die. We just don’t believe it.

A hospice nurse and I sat in a family’s house for nearly an hour this afternoon. The patient, an aging woman, lay on the gurney in the living room. She’s had multiple strokes and doesn’t interact with the world. Her eyes fix upon yours, but she’s not looking at you. Her pale lips, smeared with Vaseline, are parted. Her left foot writhes in the bed, as if forming cursive letters on the white sheets. Her skin is cool and she doesn’t really react to the touch of another human hand.

Her daughters keep extensive notes about her: How much did she pee? poop? sleep? Has her skin changed color? Is she throwing up? How much morphine has she gotten? (They won”t say “morphine” in the room; they call it “M”.)

They don’t want to give her too much morphine because they fear that they will kill her. And yet they want her to be comfortable—and the grimaces on her face suggest that she is not. The daughter who is administering the morphine will not—cannot—give her any more.

“It’s about HER comfort, not YOURS,” her sister said, trying not to shout at her.

“Well, you don’t want to give it to her, so I am, and this is what I’m comfortable with,” the sister replied.

“I know she’s declining… I know she is…” and yet she cannot accept this fact completely and buries herself in her dying mother’s urine and fecal output, her blood pressure and pulse measurements, the dosages of her medicines.

It’s about control. Lack thereof, really. And to sit there, actively listen, and be present with these patients is exhausting. You literally feel what they feel, and yet you also feel what you feel in response to their feelings, and your brain is running through the algorithms of disease. So you monitor yourself while you monitor them, staying in the moment, completely unsure of how the next moment will unfold. Part of you wants to comfort them and part of you wants to scream in frustration. Part of you wants to run away and enjoy the gorgeous world outside and part of you wants to give everyone in the room a big hug. Part of you wants to give up completely and part of you wants to fight for the life that remains.

God, it is so beautiful to be alive.

Categories
Consult-Liaison Education Informal-curriculum Lessons Medicine Reflection

What is the Question?

I can think of only two times in my life where I received formal instruction on how to ask questions.[1. Without a doubt there have been more than two occasions when someone taught me how to ask questions, but it appears that I either was not paying attention or the lesson was not memorable.]

The first instance was when my parents taught me how to order food in a restaurant. They told me to make a single choice and have my order ready before the wait staff appeared. (“Don’t waste their time.”) They told me to phrase my order in the form of a question:

RIGHT: “Can I have the grilled cheese sandwich, please?”

WRONG: “I want the grilled cheese sandwich.”

My parents also told me to look at the faces of the wait staff and to speak loud enough so they could hear me. They also told me to thank them after they took my order.

(When I became more finicky about sentence construction, I changed the beginning of my orders to “May I…?”. This is mostly due to my 6th grade English teacher who, in his booming voice, would challenge any student who said, “Can I…?” “I don’t know, CAN you? CAN you go to the bathroom? If you CANNOT, perhaps you should see a DOCTOR. MAY you go to the bathroom? Yes, you MAY.”)

In sum, I was supposed to know what I wanted and exercise good manners.

The second time I received formal instruction on how to ask questions was during my third year of medical school.[2. Of course I received formal instruction on how to ask questions throughout my training as a medical student and as a psychiatry resident. However, that was over the course of years and done with varying quality. There were also all the people who taught me how to ask questions and I didn’t understand at the time that they were teaching me how to do that. Communication is difficult. This also explains why my efforts to ask boys out on dates in my youth often resulted in said boys looking at me askance and running away.] Interns and residents often asked medical students (e.g., me) to call consults.

Here’s the thing: When you’re a medical student, you don’t know how to do things like call consults because you don’t entirely know what you’re doing. Mastery comes with practice. Mastery also results from direct feedback, which often comes from exasperated and impatient residents.

When you call a consult you’re asking another service to help you with your patient. For example, if I’m a surgeon and I have a patient who stabbed himself multiple times in the abdomen in an attempt to kill himself, I’ll do the surgery to look around inside and make sure there aren’t injuries to internal organs. However, as a surgeon, I don’t know what to do about my patient’s urges to stab himself, so I’m going to call the psychiatrist to ask her for help.

WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

A surgical intern named Tom[3. Tom had cropped blonde hair. He wore leather pants sometimes. He often went dancing when he wasn’t working. He was smart and, perhaps more importantly, he was kind.] taught me how to call a consult while we were speeding around the hospital one day.

“Before you call a consult, you have to know what you want. What is the question you want answered? The patient is your patient, so you have to provide most of the care. But if you need help, what do you need help with? Don’t just say that the patient has diabetes and high blood pressure. That’s not a question and it’s not clear what you want. Make your question very clear:

‘My patient has diabetes and high blood pressure. He took insulin regularly before he came to the hospital, but now his blood sugars are high. They haven’t been below 300 since he’s been here. Can you help us bring his blood sugars back down?’

See how that’s a clear question? If you ask a clear question, you’ll get answers that will actually help you.

And be nice. Some of the residents you talk to won’t be nice, but that’s just because they’re tired and stressed out. Don’t take it personally.”

In sum, I was supposed to know what I wanted and exercise good manners.

To be clear, it’s not like I had this one conversation with Tom and I thereafter called in stellar consults. I still went on for too long and didn’t share pertinent pieces of information. Residents interrupted me before I had spoken for five seconds and they often made no effort to mask their annoyance.

But! It set me on the path of continually clarifying for myself what I wanted and how to craft better questions. Focusing on “WHAT IS THE QUESTION” has helped me as a psychiatrist (much of the work is often helping other people clarify for themselves what they want), a teacher (if people don’t understand something and get stuck, it’s often because they don’t know what they want to know), and as a human being (when meeting someone new, the question might be as simple as, “How can I make this person feel comfortable so maybe we can become friends?”).

Sometimes asking questions is more complicated than just knowing what you want and exercising good manners (e.g., “Will you marry me?”). Doing both, though, is an excellent place to start.

Categories
Nonfiction Reflection

Thanksgiving.

As my father and I came out of the clearing and saw the shore, he exclaimed, “Wow—it’s so pretty!”

shore

We started walking more slowly. The air was cold on our faces, but the sun warmed our backs. He squinted at the shining water and I saw his exhalation transform into grey wisps.

“Sometimes things are so good that it feels sad,” he murmured.

When I met a friend for lunch yesterday, I confessed, “Something about today is making me miss my mom. I don’t know what it is. It’s not the weather, because it never got this cold in California.”

“Maybe it’s because it’s sunny,” he guessed.

He had a point: It is usually not cloudless and sunny at this time of year in Seattle. When I stepped outside my face reflexively scrunched up; the sun was so bright! But I knew that wasn’t it, either: The sunlight in Seattle looks more “sharp” and white; the sunlight in Southern California looks more “soft” and yellow. (I assume that there is science behind this perception, whether it is actually a function of latitude or a function of my retinas.)

Later in the day I realized that we were close to the Thanksgiving holiday. Today I realized that yesterday was November 21st.

My husband and I were seated at a corner table in a restaurant in Sea-Tac airport on November 21st, 2013. I had ordered a plate of nachos. Our flight to California to see my parents was scheduled to take off in about 90 minutes.

My phone rang. It was my father. My father never called me. Something was wrong. I stepped out of the restaurant.

“Okay, Maria,” he said. He was trying not to talk fast. “Mom went to the hospital today.”

“What?” I blurted. “What happened?” Accident? Injury?

My father had worked as a computer programmer. He was trying to remember all the words the doctors had used.

“She’s on the second floor of the hospital, in a room by herself, a special care unit—”

“Intensive care unit?”

“Yes, yes, intensive care unit. They took her directly there. They said that she would be monitored overnight because she has water and blood in her lung.”

“Water and blood in her lung? Blood clot?”

“Yes, blood clot. I think in her right lung.”

Pulmonary embolism? From what?

I tried to not talk too fast, either: “Did they say how big the clot is?”

“Medium-sized? It was really hard for her to breathe.”

“And water around her lungs?”

“Yes, they said it was a lot of water. They also did some scans, see-tee? CT scans. They said that there is something in her lung. Both lungs?”

Cancer.

“Did they tell you what they think it is?”

“No, not yet. They said that the doctors will know more tomorrow.”

He then asked me if I could reschedule our plans to visit Disneyland the next day. I almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of his question.

I don’t know if I believe the idea that our bodies remember things that our minds don’t. I don’t disbelieve it, but I can’t explain it.

It’s hard to talk about things you can’t explain.

There are and will be plenty of blog posts exhorting us all to express gratitude this Thanksgiving holiday. I won’t run through a list of things you and I “should” be grateful for. To be clear: I do encourage you to go through the exercise (and not just on Thanksgiving), but these reflections are often best done in solitude.

As you we think about all the things we are thankful for, it’s not uncommon for us to feel a swirl of different emotions. That’s okay: We feel the way that we feel. Sometimes things are so good that it feels sad.

Categories
Observations Reflection Seattle

10,000 Windows.

“I think I can see 10,000 windows,” my dad said as we looked out of his apartment. On the other side of the glass was a view of downtown Seattle.

“10,000?” I did not mask the incredulity in my voice. “Is that a good thing?”

“Yes, it is,” he replied. “More windows means more people. We all need people in our lives. According to feng shui, the more windows you can see, the more influence, more popularity you will have.”

“But 10,000?” I asked again.

“Yes,” he said. “I can see the Columbia Tower and that alone has several hundred windows. Think about all the other windows of the skyscrapers….”

“Yes,” I said. “10,000 windows.”

We had lunch at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Chinatown. He expressed his pleasure with the food to the waitress. She had immigrated to the US about ten years ago. My father had immigrated to the US nearly 45 years ago. When he spoke to her in Mandarin, he used a phrase to describe his immigrant status that I didn’t understand.

“There’s a special term for us,” he said. “We were born in China, so when we fled to Taiwan [to escape the Communists], we were considered ‘mainlanders’. We were different. Not everyone from Taiwan had the opportunity or means to immigrate to the US. So we were considered different again. When we immigrated to the US, we were considered ‘Chinese’ and still different—”

“—an alien no matter where you went,” I finished.

“Yes!” my father exclaimed with a smile.

My father always insists on picking up the bill when we go out to eat. He and the waitress began talking again:

“Have you lived in Seattle since you immigrated?” the waitress asked.

“No, I moved up here to be with her,” my father said as he pointed to me. “She’s my daughter. My wife passed away last year.”

“Oh. She was born in the US, wasn’t she?”

“Yes, I was born here,” I answered in Mandarin. “That’s why my Chinese isn’t very good.”

“It’s not that your Chinese isn’t very good. You speak with an American accent,” the waitress said to me. Turning to my father she continued, “She’s very well-mannered. I could tell when you both walked in.”

Suddenly, I was eight years old again. I sat still, said nothing, and kept my face neutral. This is what you’re supposed to do when your elders say nice things about you.

My father nodded and smiled. “She is courteous; she has class.” After taking a sip of tea, he continued, “My daughter is also a doctor.”

I winced. They only saw me blink.

Daughters must be humble so their parents can show their pride. I swallowed my embarrassment with my tea.

My mother used to do that all the time, too: Out of nowhere she would tell strangers that I was a physician.

“Why do people need to know?” I used to complain. It never changed their behavior, so I stopped sharing my objections with them.

There are now other things I don’t share with my father.

“How’s work?” he asks.

“Work is fine,” I say. Work is always fine. I don’t tell him the terrible things patients have said to me. I don’t tell him about the injustices of the system: Was it designed this way? Are these perverse outcomes from good intentions? I don’t tell him that I hustled him into a restaurant to avoid an encounter with a patient I worked with in jail.

Every time we see each other I tell him I love him—a brash thing to do in a culture that values stoicism. I don’t tell him how anxious I feel when he doesn’t respond to my text messages within an hour: Did something happen to him? Is he okay? Did he die?

I don’t tell him how I still feel sorrow for the the death of his wife. I simply cannot imagine his loss.

He must know, though, just as I know about the heartache he still feels. It’s in his face, the way he looks into the distance, as if the past was just beyond the horizon.

We instead go out to lunch. I let him buy it for me and listen to him speak of the beauty and power of 10,000 windows.

Categories
Lessons Medicine Reflection Systems

Reflections on Psychiatry.

A medical student named Anthony sent me an e-mail and asked:

Are [the items listed below] things that have nagged at you during your training or as a psychiatrist now? How do you deal with the ambiguity of psychiatry, or do you find that as your clinical experience grows, you find yourself more reassured in what you do from seeing your patients improve? Where do you see psychiatry going in the next couple of decades? I understand these are big questions, but I feel it would be incredibly helpful to hear from someone who’s been practicing for a while.

Indeed, these are big questions, but the big questions make us reflect on what we do: What is the point? Why do we bother? Are we doing the “right” thing?

Are these things that have nagged at you during your training or as a psychiatrist now?

The things Anthony listed as frustrations—the primacy of the biological model, the lack of novel and consistently effective medications, the role of medications and pharmaceutical companies, the medicalization of “normal” human experience—resonate with me, too. These things bothered me while I was in medical school, irritated me when I was a resident, and continue to vex me as an attending.

What bothers me the most is how psychiatry can become an agent of social control. Psychiatry can lend its vocabulary and constructs to authorities to oppress or exclude certain populations.

Consider the spate of school shootings. If we label the shooters as “mentally ill”, that distracts from the culture of fear and violence. Homosexuality was a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis until 1973. African Americans are more likely to receive diagnoses of schizophrenia.

Words are powerful. The ramifications of diagnosis are serious. We must not forget how our words can affect how people perceive themselves and how others treat them.

This overlaps with the medicalization of human experience. Is it okay that people receive Xanax from physicians when they are grieving the death of a loved one? Is it okay that students receive Adderall from physicians when they are striving for academic excellence? Is it okay that people from other cultures receive antipsychotic medication from physicians when they report hearing the voices of their ancestors?

My discomfort with this has affected my practice: I purposely choose to work with people who exhibit symptoms that rarely overlap with the general spectrum of human experience. Most people do not believe that someone has stolen their internal organs. Most people do not drink a fifth of alcohol each day to cope with guilt and shame. Most people do not fear that aliens will execute them if they move into housing from the streets.

A natural consequence of working with this population is that advocacy becomes a large part of the work: People with severe conditions can and do get better. Most people enter medicine to help people, to see people get better. The gains in this population may take longer and sometimes may not be as great as in other populations, but they do occur.

How do you deal with the ambiguity of psychiatry, or do you find that as your clinical experience grows, you find yourself more reassured in what you do from seeing your patients improve?

I learned early on that, if I don’t know the answer, the best thing to do is to say, “I don’t know.” It can be hard to say that out loud because we don’t want to admit our ignorance to ourselves or to others. Perhaps the difficulty isn’t the ambiguity of psychiatry. Maybe the challenge is managing our own vulnerability.

This is how I deal with the ambiguity:

  • I remind myself that it is impossible for me—or for anyone—to know everything. That doesn’t mean I give up and walk away: I do the work to learn as much as I can. The learning never stops, even when I want it to.
  • I remind myself that I will mess up. I hope that I will make fewer mistakes as I advance in my career, but I trust that I will screw up. I also hope that I will have the wisdom and humility to learn from my errors and avoid them in the future.
  • I remind myself to “First, do no harm.” I may feel pressure[1. Know that the system will often put pressure on you to “do something”. That doesn’t mean the system is right. Unless someone is dying in that moment, there is always time to stop and think.] to “do” something—prescribe a medication! send someone to the hospital! intervene right now! There is always time to pause and consider: “Will this cause (more) harm?” To be clear, I don’t advocate living life through avoidance. Sometimes the way to navigate ambiguity is to avoid actions that will make things worse.

I’m sure this isn’t the first time you have heard an attending say this: The farther along I go the more I realize how little I know. There is so much more for me to learn.

Where do you see psychiatry going in the next couple of decades?

Experts are much better at describing base rates than they are at predicting the future.[2. This idea about base rates and predictions comes from the book Decisive, which I recommend with enthusiasm.] This is an important question that deserves more reflection. Different ideas spin in my head: Psychiatry will have to reconcile with people who have experienced mistreatment from our field. Psychiatry must examine social determinants of health and scrutinize how they affect diagnosis and treatment. Psychiatry must collaborate with other fields and cannot expect that isolation will actually help patients, our colleagues, or the specialty.

For you (and me) I would add that we cannot expect to influence or change a system if we do not take part in it.[3. Full disclosure: I am not a member of the American Psychiatric Association. My values do not seem to align with theirs. However, who am I to complain about the values of the APA if I’m not willing to help shift them? And how can I contribute to any shift if I do not join them?]

Good questions, Anthony. I encourage you to ask other psychiatrists these same questions. Regardless of which field you choose to enter, I hope you continue to exercise curiosity and healthy skepticism of the work you do. This will not only help you grow as a person and physician, but will also help your patients and field of expertise.